Still Alice

About a very intelligent woman who is suffering alzheimer's from her genes. This movie follows her through her journey on preparing for her future days. She tried to memorize things. Work out. Playing brain games to exercise her brain. Reminders on her phone. But this disease is just cant be cured.

I love this movie because it opened up my eyes on how crazy alzheimers can be. I had a family member who suffered alzheimers. She is already dead. But it was a miserable life for her. She became a laughing stock in every family gatherings. Even her own close family hated and scared of her. They built her a cage. She drank detergent liquid. She played with her own poops. She spoke with reflections in mirror. She did many unthinkable things. And she died in a terrible condition.

I rate this movie 7 out of 10. :)

Baby

I am on a very strict diet. I am doing this out of desperation to get pregnant. You know, one month from now, we'll celebrate our first anniversary. I think it has been 5 months since we're trying to conceive. Every months, waiting for period is like a battle of hopes. But the period came anyway. Even though it's not welcomed!

I really dont know why i didnt get pregnant yet. I think i am healthy enough for a baby. I am just overweight. Not that fat i think. I am fit. I have muscles and exercise. Compared to other people who are completely obese, i think i am a better obese. lol.. My half sister is also fat and she still can get pregnant. My second cousin is fatter than me. She's also pregnant. My period is perfect. I really have no clue of what's going on inside me. But whatever it is we're trying anyway. This time i hope my emotion is stable. Hormones and everything, i hope them to be in perfect condition so the egg and sperm can meet.

Last night i had a fight with my husband. It was not even to be called a fight. But whatever. What i'm trying to say is that i am finally accepting him into my life. Even when we had a fight, i dont have that feelings of wanting a divorce anymore. I have left the past. There is no way i can go back to it. I am looking forward into the future now. Waiting for another big thing which is a baby to change my life.When i look at my husband, i see a person whom i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. A person who is so influential and the one who has withdrawn me from the darkest pit on earth.

My Dream Life

1. Bright white house.
2. Kids.
3. Nice car.
4. An edible garden.
5. Chicken, ducks and goats.
6. Pond.
7. Swimming pool.
8. BBQ patio.

Dealing with Screaming Stubborn Kid

So today i watched this movie, Le Passe. There was a scene where this kid was screaming and on throwing tantrum. So, i thought, what would i do if he was my kid? I think of every possibilities, but looking at how critical the boy was, i concluded, hmmm, i will blackmail him. LOL.. Its very wrong. I know.

So, this guy went to the boy and close the door. He didn't let anyone enter the room except him and the boy and start slow talking with him. It worked! He asked, why and go deeper and deeper into the conversation. The boy changed 360 degree. He was calm and no more problem. So, the conclusion is:

1. NEVER BLACKMAIL YOUR KID
2. BE CALM, AND START A CONVERSATION

Bi Küçük Eylül Meselesi (A Small September Affair) Review

Finished watching this Turkish movie. Rating from IMDB is 7.5

Everything is going well In the life of a city girl called Eylul, but after an unfortunate accident she forgets the last month of her life she spent on an Island 'Bozcaada'. Incidents take place where flashbacks from the past month haunt her until she decides to visit the place to remember. Everyone around her, all her friends and family tell her not to and, despite their discouragement Eylul suspecting something is wrong. Simply by listening to her instincts Eylul goes back to Island 'Bozcaada' never knowing what to expect until a chance encounter with a strange dowdy man Tekin who call out to her 'Eylul dont you remember me? you fell in love with me on this Island".

My opinion, the movie is just too melodramatic. Its not realistic. Too much drama. So, for my taste, i just dont like it. I guess the reason why rating on IMDB is high, must be because of the ending. I must admit, the ending was amazing. But the way they drag the movie and make it such a big deal with Eylul was just exaggerated to me. And, Teki is not handsome. Sorry. :) But that's just my 2 cents. Still, its enjoyable. I'll rate it 5 only. Out of 10.

Trouble in Paradise

So last night he told me, 'I'm not happy.'

What would be your reaction when someone told you that? In my mind, i knew its about job. He told me, nobody can accept him. He cannot fit in. People look down on him. People judged him.

When we talk about this. We always go back to the time when we were chatting. We met online. After only about one week of saying hi, he already told me he wanted to marry me. And i rejected him so many times.

I dont know why but he really determined about coming here. Until later i found out, the reason was only to sleep with me for one night and to have a wife that looks chinese. He canceled his plan to migrate to canada only because of these foolish plans.

And now, 8 months later, he is in depression. Apparently the grass looks greener on the other side for him.

Lose Weight

So my husband made a stupid decision to let his friends send him home. Our house is dirty outside. Thats one thing.

When they came to pick him up, they were all jokingly asked my husband to see his wife (me). I know its funny. But it showed how much they want to see his wife. He's not only a silly man, but also, a freak. So maybe they're all wondering how do i look.

With this fat and rolls hanging on my body, i dont look presentable at all. Its just embarrassing! I am trying to lose weight. But it just doesnt seem right. I had been fasting for 3 days now and i dont lose even 1 kg. Frustrating!

Well i guess i need to really go starving!

My Husband is the Best

I am writing this to express my love to my husband. I know, i am a crazy woman. Sometimes i love him. The other time i hate him. Well, i'm a woman. I am made of a big bunch of hormones.

We are in trouble again. I guess. Because our car has stopped working. Well, we're always in big trouble because he has no license. And i just hate it when we are illegal like that. Anyway, the car! It stopped working!

And we need to go to mechanic to fix it. He went to the site with his friend this morning. Poor him!

This problem has started since yesterday. But after a few adjustments, the car started and he drove to the site. He came home for lunch, OK. Went back to the site, OK. But around 7 pm, he wanted to come home. The car acted up again. He fixed it. I forgot about the car problem and my head was filled with the thought of 'we have no bread at all for breakfast'. I called him to ask him to buy bread. He sounded hesitated. But i didn't understand. 30 minutes after that, he didnt arrive yet. I called. He said the car failed again. Uhhhh!!! I felt like crying. It is MY fault!

But he never said it was my fault. He kept saying it was the car's fault. When he came home, i can see how tired he looked. After dinner and shower he went right into a deep sleep.

If it happened to my previous partner. I know she will definitely be shouting at me. Blaming me and cursing me for all the troubles. But with him, its so different. He never blame me on anything. At least not at the critical moment.

I'm touched by his behaviour. :')

The Departed Movie (my thoughts)

Alright, this movie is great. 8.5 rating from IMDB. No need review anymore. Buttttttttt....... Its just weird. Because. This story is about covering/protecting Costello, right??

But what is there to protect if Costello himself is an FBI informant?? This movie is weird.

Or is it me who dont understand?

Ugh, spoiled!

**Updated:

Found THIS explanation. It does make sense to me. Now im happy with the movie. :)

Bridesmaids (2011) Movie Review

 About a woman, Annie who has a shitty life. No boyfriend, working at a jewellery shop, and has a bestfriend, Lillian. I mean real bestfriend who lives only 5 minutes away from her.

Suddenly Lillian is getting married and her life changed forever. Because, suddenly another woman also claimed to be true bestfriend to Lillian. They two suddenly become very competitive and try all their best to win Lillian's heart.

For me this is a very good movie. Every woman can relate to this. And as always, its highly recommended. :)

8 out of 10!!

Monster

Today she came and gave me three boxes of memory to me. They appeared in front of me. All the things that i used to play. All the 'miserable' years i spent there. All the bittersweet memories. I burst into tears.

Why did i do that to her?? Why????? What kind of satisfaction am i enjoying right now?

Im a horrible person. I should've died.

I am ruining the life of everyone.

Trying to Conceive

If i am infertile because of obesity, i should be fat enough that my period stopped coming - in other words, irregular cycle. But my menstrual cycle always came beautifully. No problem with that. My parents have no fertility issues. My father has 11 children (incl. half siblings) and my mother never experience miscarriage, and have 5 kids. My aunties too. No problem at all. Except my eldest auntie (mother's side) she lost, if im not mistaken, 4 kids. The reason? Sadness. She had terrible life back then.

Here, i can relate to myself. And i want to come up with a summary or conclusion of my journey. Here we go.

July: Raya month. Because i want to surprise my family with my pregnancy. But didnt work. Why? Because we didnt make love every night. And after the fertile window finished, we go back to having sex with condom.

August: We had sex every night. BUT, only within fertile window. As soon as it finished, we went back using condom.

September: We made sure to make love every night after i finished my period. So we did. Almost quarter of a month without fail. But this task made us tired, and it became a chore. Not fun. Sometimes i wasnt even wet. We thought everything was okay. But during my fertile window, we had a terrible fight. We didnt speak, i cried everyday and night. And the only thing i think about was just, divorce! But still i forced myself to continue sleeping and have sex with him, only to get pregnant. And i thought, even if we divorced, at least i have a kid. What a wicked thought! So, i am sure, this time, stress and depression has prevented me from getting pregnant.

I dont want to stop trying. We will try again as soon as i finished this cycle. And we will do it better this time. I love him. I truly love him. And i truly want his baby. Our mixed baby! I hope things will be alright. And this will be the last period for 9 months to come.

I Hate Myself

Enough is enough!!!

It has been 3 months since we tried to conceive again. I thought im already pregnant! But found out that i have my period again this morning. What the FUCK!!!

I cant put the blame to anyone but myself. I am obese! I am fat! Fats are everywhere! Its the amount of food i ate! Can you imagine how much food did i eat to build this much fat and rolls on my body??

20 kg of stupid goddamn food! I am typing with laptop on my lap, and rolls of my lower belly fat spilled out resting on my laptop. Thats how fat i am!

Enough is enough! I did this before. I lost 20 kg! And i gained 13 kg back just by eating. Im an asshole. The answer to this is hunger. Like i dont know! I know its only hunger can make me reduce my weight. So why didnt i do it???????!!!!!

Neighbour

A few days ago, our rented house went blackout. I lived in miserable heat for more than 6 hours. Once my husband came home. He tried to figure out the source of problem. Turned out that we have the current running but both holes (in switch board) has current. Meaning that it messed up, cos according to my husband's explanation, only one hole should have current, not both.

So, we blamed the leakage on the roof. We have terrible leakage in our living room and middle room but never bother to tell the owner of this house cos he is a bad person. He likes to turn things around and get away from troubles. At the end of the day he will try to blame others or US instead of taking the responsibility.

This time, as we're living in the dark, he tried to send us TNB instead of sending an electrician. What i want to talk about is, my neighbour. We live in a semi D house. So this house is attached with another house. I dont really know whats wrong with them. They are very weird and unfriendly. We used to bump into each other a few times. But they turned their heads away and pretending like they dont care.

That night, as my husband walking and inspecting the house from outside, the neighbour talked to him! What a surprise. He told him that the blackout problem came from his house! And he was fixing that problem at that time.

More surprisingly, he speak english to my husband. Its really funny, cos most of the time, those who dont know my husband, they will confidently speak malay, cos they often mistaken him as a pakistani (he doesnt look pakistani at all!!)

But this time, this man speaks english to my husband. Meaning that they secretly listen to our conversation!!! And they do care about us. Isnt that a bad thing? They are stalker arent they?

And one more thing. When he speaks to my husband, i can hear that kind of tone like my husband is not welcomed, dont deserved to be respected kinda tone. I have been thinking lately. What if my husband has blond hair. I think everybody will worship him. He looks white, but the only problem is he is hairy and his hair is black. Pity him.

Its Killing Me

My husband is very flat. No emotions. No excitement. Weird. He's the biggest freak i've ever known.

I am very scared of the idea being trapped and stuck with him forever. Can i handle him forever? Can i endure this feelings until i die?

How my future will be like?

Shoot The Zombirds - Shoot 30 Zombirds in a Row

Alright, this game is extremely addicting. When i first played this i didnt even know how to shoot. I was frustrated and angry. Ready to shout at the developers' faces, 'why did you create such a stupid game??!'

Can you imagine, only 3 arrows? 3 pumpkids! That is just crazy. And when i got the hang of it, i cant stop playing. I stucked at this level where i need to shoot 30 zombirds in a row. Meaning that, no missed/failed shots.

I keep repeating this level hundreds of times. Until finally i found out the TRICK.

You know what? I COUNT my shots loudly. 1 2 3 4 5.... Until i missed shot, i recount again. 1 2 3 4 5 6....

It worked guys!! Please give it a try.

Dilemma

I opened facebook and went to my exbf's profile. How awesome his life looks. He has a nice job and nice wife. He looked like a nice person now. Was it me who made him a bad person? Maybe i spoiled him too much. I was an idiot back then. Whatever happened to me 10 years ago was not his fault. It was my fault. I wasn't as open as i am now.

Conflicts in myself:
1. Spoiling my husband.
2. Financially insufficient - only rm3500 per month. And we need to consider many things just to put dinner on the table. Most of his salary will go to saving which is MY money that we... or HE used up!
3. Regretting this marriage.

Today is my birthday. He didn't even say happy birthday to me. Not even a birthday kiss. Everything turned bitter and sour. He's definitely not the kind of man i want.

We are in the middle of trying to conceive. Like seriously! I know he cant love me the way i want him to. But i will have his baby? I am literally trapped. Should i have his baby? Should i?

Spoiled Husband

In my life i've always known. When i see a spoiled person/kid. I wouldnt blame him/her for being that way. Cos the one that is guilty is the spoiler. When i see this behaviour in my husband, i know enough, it is my fault for giving too much attention to him and spoiling him rotten.

Last night we had a fight. I had chocolate on my mouth and he refused to kiss me because of that. And then i kissed him anyway by force. I had no bad intention. Just to be silly and laugh. Then he ran away to the kitchen. I pulled his underwear and make joke about it. He didnt laugh though i laughed like crazy cos i thought it was funny. He went to bed. He looked depressed. And when i asked a question he'll give a one word answer.

I went to the kitchen to make dinner. At the same time i keep going out to ask him what wrong with you? With an annoyed intonation. He replied with same intonation. I knew its because of the kissing. I asked him if its because of the kissing. He said no. Okay...

And then i go to cook some more. And go out to see him again, raging this time. Almost screaming with question, 'what is wrong with you?'

He never answer.

When its time for dinner. I refused to talk to him. And he started nagging at me and begging for attention. I didnt care! But i couldnt resist myself from having a discussion and i start the conversation.

He became tense right away. Saying he didnt like me disobeying him like that. I kissed him by force and make fun of his underwear. How would i know you dont like it if you never tell me!

This arguments went crazy and both of us wanted to win. Especially him. I told him i dont know. How would i know about something that i DONT knowwww. But he went crazy and say that i dont know how to joke. He said did i make joke like that with my friends. Or was i alone all my life.

When he mentioned about being alone i thought, ok, THIS IS IT. I clean the table, go to the kitchen. I washed the dishes and tears came running down my cheeks. How could he humiliate me like that. So, thats what he thinks of me all this time?

I go out to get some water to drink and clean my face with wet wipes. He added again, 'Is this how you treat your ex-bf?" Like, no wonder you and him didnt last. Maybe he wanted to say that too.

How determined he was to hurt me. He's a man. How can he be so mean like that. It hurts. Even now as i write this i still feel hurt. And i doubt him as a husband. Can i live with this man for the rest of my life?

When i first met him in KL and i spent our first night together. I judged him enough during 20 hours being together. He was smelly. Very hairy and he shaved his body. He likes to tell lies. Good at twisting stories and get you confused. He was not as responsible and brave as he told me. And he was terribly bad at sex. He has every single thing i hate in a man. And i was 98% rejected him.

In the bus, on the way back to my parents house to introduce him to my parents. (i wish i didn't but i had promised him) I felt disgusted and ashamed to be with him.

But as soon as my parents greeted him, i was FLIPPED.

Chef (2014) Review

Just finished watching this movie. I didnt read synopsis or anything. I just dived into it and watch. So i guess i shouldnt leak the info too. But i must recommend people to watch it because its freaking good. You know dont read the summary. Just go and watch. You'll enjoy it better. Trust me.

Entertaining and not boring. Really fun. Especially with all star cast. Sophia Vergara. Scarlett Johansson. Awesome.

IMDB rates it 7.4. I'll give it 8.5

Black Book (Zwartboek) Review

I just finished watching Black Book or Zwartboek in Dutch. I think its in dutch, cos german says schwartz for black. Right?

I usually avoid war movies cos most of the time i dont understand them and i just hate hate hate war. But this time, since its in german, it pulled me to keep watching it cos i always have a thing with german. Hiksssh.. :P So here i will explain things that i understand from this movie ok. Not from the real movie maker perspective. Only from the eyes of humble viewer.

Its about this woman named Ellis. She comes from a rich jewish family. They tried to escape germany by boat to poland. But they were ambushed by german kraut (hitlers army) and everyone died except her cos she jumped into the water.

And then she escaped. Got involved with a few dutch guys. And then a doctor fell in love with her. She was sent into this train to be with Muntze and Muntze kind of fell in love with her. And the dutch guy sent her to Muntze again to seduce him. And finally they both fell in love. I really like her to be with Muntze. And you know what, they really fell in love in this movie. Both of them, in real world! No wonder they looked so perfect together. :)

This movie is a must watch for me. Its a great movie. They know how to twist things around and make you feel cheated in the end. You know, that intelligent kind of movie.

So, the rating of the movie on imdb is 7.8. I'll give it 7.5 out of 10. Because, well what can you expect from a war movie. People die all the time. And sometimes, people who you wish they wont kill also dies. :(

So, 7.5!!

Third World Country Victim

Lately my husband looks sad and unmotivated. Sometimes words like, i miss my country, malaysia is not good for me, just slipped through his tongue. I understand how it feels like to be him. If it was me i will be complaining and feel suicidal. I just cant live like that. I dont know what to do to help him.

He was on his way to immigrate to canada when we first met. But because i have no bachelors degree, i cant come along. So, he ignored that ambition and went straight for marriage. I asked him many times about this decision. And he looked so sure back then. Now, when he tastes the reality, the awareness came into his mind.

I dont even like my own country. There are so many things malaysia should change to provide comfortable living for the citizens. The service in government offices. Facilities. Public transport. The weather is another thing. It limits us from doing many things. We become lazy and stay inside like lizards and frogs. No wonder when chinese and indian first arrived in tanah melayu, they said malays are lazy. Its not their fault. Its the weather!

I feel really bad for my husband. He said he can never mix with his colleagues. Well, they speak to him. But only a few words. Malays will hang out with malays. Chinese will hang out with their own race. And he will sit alone with no gang. Pity him. I wish i can do something to help him. Maybe apply job in another country? I suggested dubai. He used to work in dubai. And he said dubai is worse. The weather is bad. And it will be a strange land for both of us. At least in malaysia, i am a citizen.

I suggest him to go on a holiday. But he's so stingy about his annual leave. The pay each day the company pays him about 1++.  So he doesnt want to let go of his 2++ or 3++ pay for the holiday. I know holiday will make him feel better. Tioman island looks nice. And i think it will be pefect for both of us. Since we've never gone anywhere alone. And its good to conceive there. And when i'm pregnant, it wont be easy for us to move around anymore. And if we have a kid, it will definitely not be good cos the kid dont understand the vacation and cant enjoy it as much as adult. Too much fuss with the carrier and bottles and baby food maybe. I dont know. Just thinking of it makes me cringe cos i've always been a light traveller and it doesnt appeal to me, the idea of carrying your baby around for vacation.

So, i dont know. I should talk to him again. Maybe he doesnt understand about how awesome it is to go to the island and swim with fishes. It will make him fall in love with this country. At least.

His Kiss

 So today i saw this picture of them on their wedding. How sweet isnt it? When i look at them i can feel the happiness. And that sweet kiss Brad gave to Angelina, i can safely say that i also have that kiss now. My husband's kiss is the sweetest kiss in the world.

This morning, near dawn, i was dreaming in my sleep. I was entering this world of ugly men. I dont know how i stumbled upon them. So, this one particular man, he fell in love with me. And suddenly all of these men stripped their clothes. Naked. They said, lets see who has the biggest penis. LOL. And so i was really freaked out. That man, the one who fell in love with me. He approached me with bad intention. And he held me really tight. He was trying to rape me. I was crying for help. But nobody came to help. I had a phone in my hand and i tried to call my husband. He saw that phone and stopped my hand from dialing. I was very desperate. So i grab his crotch and scratch it really deep with my nails.

Suddenly i woke up with a question in my ear, "Honey, are you dreaming?"

I opened my eyes and realized i was in my husband's arms all this time. I gave him a weak nod. I told him about the dream. And he said, "I kissed you when i realized you were dreaming in your sleep. You scratched my back you know."

LOL.

He said he always kiss my lips when he saw me dreaming. And soon after, i'll wake up.

Isn't he the sweetest husband ever?

^__________^

Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy Review

Whether you're pregnant or not, this book will give you a good laugh. Its not a book with full guide about pregnancy. In this book she tells you about her experience of carrying a baby for 9 months. And how someone as hot as her, needs to change from wearing G-string all her life into going for wearing granny panties.

This book is not boring. That i can guarantee you. In fact you'll be reading fast and loyal because you want to find out what happen when she give birth. I did finish this book. And i want others to read this too. Especially women who are pregnant for the first time.

I'll rate this book 8 out of 10.

About Elly Review

Iranian movies are one of the best movies in the world. They dont really go for complicated issues like what hollywood does. They will elaborate one small matter in life. As small as going out with your friends without telling for family about it.

Its really a small matter in life. I did that a lot. And i even know a friend who fly here and there to the end of the world without her parents knowledge. Just because, well, as always. The reason why we dont wanna tell them is because we dont want them to worry. And when they're worried they'll ask question we dont want to hear.

So, this movie is about a group of friends. Three married couples with their kids. And a single couple who are in the process of getting to know each other. They go to the North of Iran for holiday. And they stay in this old house with nice view of ocean just in their front yard.

The single woman, named Elly. She was mysterious from the start. As they try to fix the old house and try to make things fun and enjoyable around the house. Elly was asked to look after one of the kid who's stubbornly playing in the water.

Suddenly things get tense, and the boy was almost drowned in the ocean. But thank god he was saved by his father. But then, Elly was missing. Early conclusion, Elly is drowned in her effort of helping the boy. But then they all have another thought. What if Elly left the boy alone in the ocean and ran away.

Starting from this point, many issues arise. And it makes us wonder about things we do in our life. Simple things like keeping a secret from our parents can be BIG if something unwanted happen.

This is just a great movie. Intelligent. Full of realism. I recommend everyone to watch this. Its 9.5 out of 10.

10 Things I'm Thankful For

I noticed i rant a lot in my life. I have to admit. I am a bitter person. I cant say its because of upbringing. Its in my genes. Yes. Theres nothing i can do about it. I was born with this trait. Which is something that i cant be thankful for. But i will try to sit and think about things that im thankful for. At least, for one minute of my life, i'll be doing it.

1. For being married. This is one of my life goal. And i want to do it before i reach 30. And i did.

2. For i dont need to go to work. I can stay home and do whatever i want. This is the best thing anyone could ever asked for.

3. For my husband. Best gratitude of my life. He's a foreigner. An engineer. Handsome. He cares for me. Soft spoken. Respect me and he never raised voice at me. He is a good man.

5. For my previous pregnancy. So i know that i have the ability to get pregnant.

6. For the miscarriage. I was sad, obviously. But i had the chance to experience it and one day i can share the story with other people. And it makes me understand the feelings of women who have no kids.

7. For the internet. I cant live without it. Though its a limited internet. But its portable. And i have access to the world.

8. For the money i have. I can buy anything i want. ANYTHING i want. Because i never want anything expensive. So i can afford everything that i want.

9. For this rental house. I can think about decorating. Me and husband we have freedom. I can cook and clean for my husband. I am happy with it.

10. For my parents. Because i owed them a lot. I got married with their helps. Everything i have now is because of them.

Infertile?

Finally i know how it feels like to be so desperate to have a baby. We have tried to conceive for two months now. And we've waited patiently for 2 months. We tried hard to conceive. It puzzles me. Why? After so much effort. TMI, i know, but we made love every night during my fertile window. We dont wanna miss the egg. But still we missed it.

After 35 days, precisely 5 weeks since my last period aka 'pregnancy'. I have my period. Thats 7 days late! I have never been that late before. 

Very frustrating. Very!!

This time i will do everything i can to get a baby. People said taking evening primrose oil will help. I will go to pharmacy tonight to get one. And i made my husband take folic acid starting from today. I want to improve his fertility. 

I had my meltdown moment just now after reading all the sad stories about women who have tried for years to conceive. One of them have been waiting for 9 years! I cant imagine waiting that long. I just cant! I've been married for 7 months now. I want a baby sooooo much. It is time for me to get pregnant. I want to give him a child. 

Maybank Senai

babi punya maybank. receptionist kat depan betina tu. dahla hodoh. dengan contacts kelabu nya macam orang asli. muka hodoh nak mampus. pukimak! aku tau cipap dia busuk bernanah. sebab tu berlagak macam tahik anjing.

celaka betul betina babi tu. aku memang harap kau mampus hari ni. biar engkau kena hempap dengan lori taik. biar kau mati dalam busuk. dahla mata tu buta. nak berlagak macam kuasa besar! tak padan dengan tak sekolah. masuk u pun tak pernah. setakat dok kat depan maybank je tak payah nak beriya lah. aku buat kesat bontot aku je.

babi!

Human - Christina Perri

Need to blog about this new finding. I just watched Human - Christinas Perri video musice. It was spectacular. So suble and deep.

I really really really love that knd of creativity. Suits me. I just love it. But on secoond watch - meh... No feelings anymore. :)

Finding a Cure

Have i told you i'm pregnant?


Or, i WAS pregnant?

Well, i've lost the baby anyway. At 6 week. Well, not really 6 week, but in the borderline between 5 and 6. Maybe in the middle of forming its heartbeat. Its really nothing to be crying about. But, seriously when i saw others being pregnant. Especially famous people on youtube like bubz. She's a few months ahead of me. But she revealed the news about her pregnancy the same time as i found out i was pregnant.

So now when i watch her vlog, especially an update on her pregnancy, theres something sad inside of me. Keep rising, begging for attention. I feel unable. And i thought, why? Others are also pregnant with thier first child. But they can do it effortlessly. Why i could not?

Main reason must be DEPRESSION.

There are just too much depressions. From previous relationship. Who keep nagging and make me feel guilty. Made me cried and went into terrible meltdown. Emotionally, i was very unstable. Even now i still am.

Husband who live away from me. His career needs him to be away from me for months. I cried myself to sleep thinking of how empty my life is. No husband beside of me and trapped in my parents house. Its really not a bad thing living with my parents. But its in my head. Everything is really in my head. In the end, its really just me who can find answer and convince myself that everything is okay. Not my husband or anyone. Its really just me. I need to find cure. But for now, it seems like i want to enjoy the sorrow.

My husband. Theres really nothing he can do about this. Even if he comes home early, rationally. Its a stupid idea, dumb decision. I dont want him to come back. The reason i messed with his head is just for his attention. Want him to worry about me. I like it when he's worried? Not really. You like it when he becomes crazy and tell me he's coming home tomorrow? Definitely not.

Facts

i thought he'll come here equipped.

1. marry me
2. ready to be idle for a few months
3. live in a rented house for a few months
4. look for job
5. got a new job
6. start a life here

most crucial thing. i thought:

• he had at least 130,000 ringgit with him. my biggest mistake.

never i expected

• we'll live with my parents
• he's not interested to find jobs
• penniless after marrying me
• will leave me for almost half a year. thats a semester in university
• he's not a virgin
• he went to prostitutes

what kind of men go to prostitutes??

i'm a stupid girl for him

my fault for making wrong decision

• i should stay away from him
• he should be ignored

Lonely

since i married him, i was happy. need to admit the positive side it gave me. marriage was amazing.

but living away from ech other. distance. its killing me. it doesnt suit me at all. im not build to be in this kind of relationship. it wont work for me. im an attention machine. i need lots of attention. at least to be together. in front of me. to be touched. to be seen. lots of chance of communication. yes. i need communication. im a communication machine. i can even understand things without the need for it to be spoken.

now we're thousand of miles away. and all i can think about is misery. how sad my life has become. thought marriage will change my fate. to be better. to be happier. but i'll be living in misery. ive made a wrong decision to marry a seaman.

its killing me from inside. not only ive lost myself. lost my identity. i lost my happiness. i live in misery. always wake up to sadness. loneliness. i cried myself to sleep every night. battling with my own feelings. weighing the good and the bad on my hands. judging. criticizing. evaluating. my brain cant stop working.

and i must admit, i can never come out with good. always with the bad. i see the bad in everything. this is very challenging. this it too much for me to handle. others might have the strength to handle it. but i cant. i just CAN'T.

how am i supposed to get out of this. should i start an affair to fill up this empty space in my heart.