Ugly Wife

So I am not pretty. I have a kind heart though. And even though i'm ugly, at least i have him, compared to others who are not married. He's surrounded by pretty young girls and he's thinking of probability of one of them falling in love with him.

 

Too Rational

I am 36 weeks pregnant. Since 34 weeks, my husband and i live in distance. The first few days, he cared about me. He called me. It was obvious that he missed me. After he started living with his friends, things changed. He got caught up with works. I know he always had hard time at work. He's not as mentally strong as other men. He lose confidence easily. And easily get broken and stressed out. So, i try not to add pressure to his mind. I stay away from him when he didn't message. I never push or nag him to give attention to me. I accept the way he treats me just the way he could. I never asked for more.

It has been a few nights he disappeared without saying goodnight. But yesterday's night i think there's something going wrong in his side of the world. It's his off day tomorrow, and he disappeared. I thought he'll spend that night talking to me. Calling me or something.

So, yesterday's morning i decided to stop talking to him. I sulked. Then my phone started ringing continuously from his effort of getting back to me. I ignored. But after a few attempts i gave in. He told me his friends brought him to a bar. It's funny how honest he is. He said his friends cheated him by saying that they're going to a shopping mall. It turned out that they went to a bar. A bar full of thai girls. Guiding alcohols into their mouths. Giving them wild dance.

I was in shocked. So i cried and cried. My heart was so broken. But after a few minutes i was calm. I forgave him because he was honest. I think its not right for me to be angry since he confess it to me.

But today as i flashback into yesterday, i think i was such a fool for trying to calm myself down. To be in control of my emotions. I should've just let it go. Scream at him. Curse him. But i am soft. I easily forgive. Today i realized that i can't forget it. I want to list down all the wrong things he did yesterday so i wont forget how he took me for granted.
- He didn't reply to my messages.
- He didn't care about me who's waiting for him after such a long day at work.
- He didn't miss me.
- I was the LAST THING in his mind last night.

Am i too understanding? Am i too rational? I pity him too much that i forgive him for everything he did. He can get away with anything. In my head, i saw him as a man without family. I saw him as weak. A man who can't accept negativity. So i surround him with positivity. I never nagged him. Never asked anything from him. I never spent even 100 for myself a month from his salary. I wanted to buy cosmetics and he said dont. So i wont. I'm a very good wife. Very good to the point of an idiot.

A baby is coming into this world. And, he will come in between us. There'll be no more me and him moments. Things will change completely. Surprisingly after getting pregnant, divorce is no longer an option in my life. I want to fix this so much. But i dont know how. Maybe i should just ignore. I remembered those days before we were married. He was obsessed about me. Because i was different. I didn't care about him. I hated him. I married him out of pity and now i devote everything for him.

I love my baby more than anything. But at the same time i don't wanna lose my husband. If one day things get worse, i will stabilize myself up with a business. Get a driving license. I'll take my dowry money back from him. And i will leave him. Maybe no one will marry me anymore cos i have a kid. But living alone is better than being treated like a fool by someone you love. It's hard. But i see this coming.

I have never loved anyone the way i love him. I have a feeling that he'll hurt me one day and i'll be very broken. I should get myself ready. I am attractive. I can get men to fall in love with me. I can flirt day and night to revenge for him. Maybe one day i'll do just that.

Writing, Exbf, Engineers, Mental Disorder

Wish i can start writing again. I know my writing can never be published. Most of them are rubbish, self absorbed, rubbish-talk stories. But, writing is really important to me. As it keeps my mind busy and i like to get drown in the story. Plotting, gets low and high with my characters emotions.

Think i will plot another story to make my mind busy. Not to be published. Only for my own satisfaction. Think i will start today. Yep, today.

Another thing happened in my life was, my exbf from germany sent a message to me again. Wishing me a happy new year. It was nothing much. But it has been more than a year. Maybe all the bad news he heard mentioning my country's name finally got to him. Well, i am married afterall. I will be honest with him. Maybe i am even pregnant by now. I wont lie that when i got the message i was shocked. What a big surprise, wasnt it? I loved him. I did. Sigh...

Yesterday my husband brought home one of his friend. As always, i had this fear of being an embarrassment to my husband. You know, i am fat. Not pretty. Not in fashion. But then i just shook them off. Tried to give the best i could.

Again, the depression i got from the econsave's cashier still got me.She's only 16 for god's sake. The problem is with me. With my brain.

My Dream Life

1. Bright white house.
2. Kids.
3. Nice car.
4. An edible garden.
5. Chicken, ducks and goats.
6. Pond.
7. Swimming pool.
8. BBQ patio.

Trouble in Paradise

So last night he told me, 'I'm not happy.'

What would be your reaction when someone told you that? In my mind, i knew its about job. He told me, nobody can accept him. He cannot fit in. People look down on him. People judged him.

When we talk about this. We always go back to the time when we were chatting. We met online. After only about one week of saying hi, he already told me he wanted to marry me. And i rejected him so many times.

I dont know why but he really determined about coming here. Until later i found out, the reason was only to sleep with me for one night and to have a wife that looks chinese. He canceled his plan to migrate to canada only because of these foolish plans.

And now, 8 months later, he is in depression. Apparently the grass looks greener on the other side for him.

Spoiled Husband

In my life i've always known. When i see a spoiled person/kid. I wouldnt blame him/her for being that way. Cos the one that is guilty is the spoiler. When i see this behaviour in my husband, i know enough, it is my fault for giving too much attention to him and spoiling him rotten.

Last night we had a fight. I had chocolate on my mouth and he refused to kiss me because of that. And then i kissed him anyway by force. I had no bad intention. Just to be silly and laugh. Then he ran away to the kitchen. I pulled his underwear and make joke about it. He didnt laugh though i laughed like crazy cos i thought it was funny. He went to bed. He looked depressed. And when i asked a question he'll give a one word answer.

I went to the kitchen to make dinner. At the same time i keep going out to ask him what wrong with you? With an annoyed intonation. He replied with same intonation. I knew its because of the kissing. I asked him if its because of the kissing. He said no. Okay...

And then i go to cook some more. And go out to see him again, raging this time. Almost screaming with question, 'what is wrong with you?'

He never answer.

When its time for dinner. I refused to talk to him. And he started nagging at me and begging for attention. I didnt care! But i couldnt resist myself from having a discussion and i start the conversation.

He became tense right away. Saying he didnt like me disobeying him like that. I kissed him by force and make fun of his underwear. How would i know you dont like it if you never tell me!

This arguments went crazy and both of us wanted to win. Especially him. I told him i dont know. How would i know about something that i DONT knowwww. But he went crazy and say that i dont know how to joke. He said did i make joke like that with my friends. Or was i alone all my life.

When he mentioned about being alone i thought, ok, THIS IS IT. I clean the table, go to the kitchen. I washed the dishes and tears came running down my cheeks. How could he humiliate me like that. So, thats what he thinks of me all this time?

I go out to get some water to drink and clean my face with wet wipes. He added again, 'Is this how you treat your ex-bf?" Like, no wonder you and him didnt last. Maybe he wanted to say that too.

How determined he was to hurt me. He's a man. How can he be so mean like that. It hurts. Even now as i write this i still feel hurt. And i doubt him as a husband. Can i live with this man for the rest of my life?

When i first met him in KL and i spent our first night together. I judged him enough during 20 hours being together. He was smelly. Very hairy and he shaved his body. He likes to tell lies. Good at twisting stories and get you confused. He was not as responsible and brave as he told me. And he was terribly bad at sex. He has every single thing i hate in a man. And i was 98% rejected him.

In the bus, on the way back to my parents house to introduce him to my parents. (i wish i didn't but i had promised him) I felt disgusted and ashamed to be with him.

But as soon as my parents greeted him, i was FLIPPED.

His Kiss

 So today i saw this picture of them on their wedding. How sweet isnt it? When i look at them i can feel the happiness. And that sweet kiss Brad gave to Angelina, i can safely say that i also have that kiss now. My husband's kiss is the sweetest kiss in the world.

This morning, near dawn, i was dreaming in my sleep. I was entering this world of ugly men. I dont know how i stumbled upon them. So, this one particular man, he fell in love with me. And suddenly all of these men stripped their clothes. Naked. They said, lets see who has the biggest penis. LOL. And so i was really freaked out. That man, the one who fell in love with me. He approached me with bad intention. And he held me really tight. He was trying to rape me. I was crying for help. But nobody came to help. I had a phone in my hand and i tried to call my husband. He saw that phone and stopped my hand from dialing. I was very desperate. So i grab his crotch and scratch it really deep with my nails.

Suddenly i woke up with a question in my ear, "Honey, are you dreaming?"

I opened my eyes and realized i was in my husband's arms all this time. I gave him a weak nod. I told him about the dream. And he said, "I kissed you when i realized you were dreaming in your sleep. You scratched my back you know."

LOL.

He said he always kiss my lips when he saw me dreaming. And soon after, i'll wake up.

Isn't he the sweetest husband ever?

^__________^