Too Rational

I am 36 weeks pregnant. Since 34 weeks, my husband and i live in distance. The first few days, he cared about me. He called me. It was obvious that he missed me. After he started living with his friends, things changed. He got caught up with works. I know he always had hard time at work. He's not as mentally strong as other men. He lose confidence easily. And easily get broken and stressed out. So, i try not to add pressure to his mind. I stay away from him when he didn't message. I never push or nag him to give attention to me. I accept the way he treats me just the way he could. I never asked for more.

It has been a few nights he disappeared without saying goodnight. But yesterday's night i think there's something going wrong in his side of the world. It's his off day tomorrow, and he disappeared. I thought he'll spend that night talking to me. Calling me or something.

So, yesterday's morning i decided to stop talking to him. I sulked. Then my phone started ringing continuously from his effort of getting back to me. I ignored. But after a few attempts i gave in. He told me his friends brought him to a bar. It's funny how honest he is. He said his friends cheated him by saying that they're going to a shopping mall. It turned out that they went to a bar. A bar full of thai girls. Guiding alcohols into their mouths. Giving them wild dance.

I was in shocked. So i cried and cried. My heart was so broken. But after a few minutes i was calm. I forgave him because he was honest. I think its not right for me to be angry since he confess it to me.

But today as i flashback into yesterday, i think i was such a fool for trying to calm myself down. To be in control of my emotions. I should've just let it go. Scream at him. Curse him. But i am soft. I easily forgive. Today i realized that i can't forget it. I want to list down all the wrong things he did yesterday so i wont forget how he took me for granted.
- He didn't reply to my messages.
- He didn't care about me who's waiting for him after such a long day at work.
- He didn't miss me.
- I was the LAST THING in his mind last night.

Am i too understanding? Am i too rational? I pity him too much that i forgive him for everything he did. He can get away with anything. In my head, i saw him as a man without family. I saw him as weak. A man who can't accept negativity. So i surround him with positivity. I never nagged him. Never asked anything from him. I never spent even 100 for myself a month from his salary. I wanted to buy cosmetics and he said dont. So i wont. I'm a very good wife. Very good to the point of an idiot.

A baby is coming into this world. And, he will come in between us. There'll be no more me and him moments. Things will change completely. Surprisingly after getting pregnant, divorce is no longer an option in my life. I want to fix this so much. But i dont know how. Maybe i should just ignore. I remembered those days before we were married. He was obsessed about me. Because i was different. I didn't care about him. I hated him. I married him out of pity and now i devote everything for him.

I love my baby more than anything. But at the same time i don't wanna lose my husband. If one day things get worse, i will stabilize myself up with a business. Get a driving license. I'll take my dowry money back from him. And i will leave him. Maybe no one will marry me anymore cos i have a kid. But living alone is better than being treated like a fool by someone you love. It's hard. But i see this coming.

I have never loved anyone the way i love him. I have a feeling that he'll hurt me one day and i'll be very broken. I should get myself ready. I am attractive. I can get men to fall in love with me. I can flirt day and night to revenge for him. Maybe one day i'll do just that.

Writing, Exbf, Engineers, Mental Disorder

Wish i can start writing again. I know my writing can never be published. Most of them are rubbish, self absorbed, rubbish-talk stories. But, writing is really important to me. As it keeps my mind busy and i like to get drown in the story. Plotting, gets low and high with my characters emotions.

Think i will plot another story to make my mind busy. Not to be published. Only for my own satisfaction. Think i will start today. Yep, today.

Another thing happened in my life was, my exbf from germany sent a message to me again. Wishing me a happy new year. It was nothing much. But it has been more than a year. Maybe all the bad news he heard mentioning my country's name finally got to him. Well, i am married afterall. I will be honest with him. Maybe i am even pregnant by now. I wont lie that when i got the message i was shocked. What a big surprise, wasnt it? I loved him. I did. Sigh...

Yesterday my husband brought home one of his friend. As always, i had this fear of being an embarrassment to my husband. You know, i am fat. Not pretty. Not in fashion. But then i just shook them off. Tried to give the best i could.

Again, the depression i got from the econsave's cashier still got me.She's only 16 for god's sake. The problem is with me. With my brain.

Naming Your Baby

I think this article is super funny. So, the cool-naming-your-baby is not happening only in malaysia. But all over the world. LOL.. Well, i do want to have a cool name for my kids. I have to admit that. But not to the point of absurd or lame or stupid.

A piece of advice from the article :P

"Do not use double letters if you don't have to. Branlee. That's a real name. People have used it, just as they've used Kylee, Sandee, and thousands of other homemade names that deploy double e's and double n's wherever possible because…well, beecausee! It just looks betterr, doesn't it?! We're on the verge of triple letters. In two years, a Trissstyn will show up at your country day school and everyone's head will explode."

Horrid People

This is how it is like everytime when i go out with my husband.

STARES

This is the state where everybody claims themselves as 'MODERN' and as 'FIRST WORLD' as their neighbour, singapore. LOL. Big LOL for you.

I have few johor friends and yep, they are very 'malay' and proud. Though the truth is they're not malay at all. Every house i went, every family i knew, every people i know, they dont have malay talk. They only categorize themselves as jawa or banjar. That's all. So, obviously they are indonesians! LOLLLLL

It's just unbelievable that they can stare at you like a fool in public areas. Like we are some kind of show. Dont you know it's RUDE to stare at people? If you think indians in INDIA are stupid and low. Then you are no better than them. You are as stupid and low as them.

LOSERSSSS

My Dream Life

1. Bright white house.
2. Kids.
3. Nice car.
4. An edible garden.
5. Chicken, ducks and goats.
6. Pond.
7. Swimming pool.
8. BBQ patio.

My Husband is the Best

I am writing this to express my love to my husband. I know, i am a crazy woman. Sometimes i love him. The other time i hate him. Well, i'm a woman. I am made of a big bunch of hormones.

We are in trouble again. I guess. Because our car has stopped working. Well, we're always in big trouble because he has no license. And i just hate it when we are illegal like that. Anyway, the car! It stopped working!

And we need to go to mechanic to fix it. He went to the site with his friend this morning. Poor him!

This problem has started since yesterday. But after a few adjustments, the car started and he drove to the site. He came home for lunch, OK. Went back to the site, OK. But around 7 pm, he wanted to come home. The car acted up again. He fixed it. I forgot about the car problem and my head was filled with the thought of 'we have no bread at all for breakfast'. I called him to ask him to buy bread. He sounded hesitated. But i didn't understand. 30 minutes after that, he didnt arrive yet. I called. He said the car failed again. Uhhhh!!! I felt like crying. It is MY fault!

But he never said it was my fault. He kept saying it was the car's fault. When he came home, i can see how tired he looked. After dinner and shower he went right into a deep sleep.

If it happened to my previous partner. I know she will definitely be shouting at me. Blaming me and cursing me for all the troubles. But with him, its so different. He never blame me on anything. At least not at the critical moment.

I'm touched by his behaviour. :')

Monster

Today she came and gave me three boxes of memory to me. They appeared in front of me. All the things that i used to play. All the 'miserable' years i spent there. All the bittersweet memories. I burst into tears.

Why did i do that to her?? Why????? What kind of satisfaction am i enjoying right now?

Im a horrible person. I should've died.

I am ruining the life of everyone.

Spoiled Husband

In my life i've always known. When i see a spoiled person/kid. I wouldnt blame him/her for being that way. Cos the one that is guilty is the spoiler. When i see this behaviour in my husband, i know enough, it is my fault for giving too much attention to him and spoiling him rotten.

Last night we had a fight. I had chocolate on my mouth and he refused to kiss me because of that. And then i kissed him anyway by force. I had no bad intention. Just to be silly and laugh. Then he ran away to the kitchen. I pulled his underwear and make joke about it. He didnt laugh though i laughed like crazy cos i thought it was funny. He went to bed. He looked depressed. And when i asked a question he'll give a one word answer.

I went to the kitchen to make dinner. At the same time i keep going out to ask him what wrong with you? With an annoyed intonation. He replied with same intonation. I knew its because of the kissing. I asked him if its because of the kissing. He said no. Okay...

And then i go to cook some more. And go out to see him again, raging this time. Almost screaming with question, 'what is wrong with you?'

He never answer.

When its time for dinner. I refused to talk to him. And he started nagging at me and begging for attention. I didnt care! But i couldnt resist myself from having a discussion and i start the conversation.

He became tense right away. Saying he didnt like me disobeying him like that. I kissed him by force and make fun of his underwear. How would i know you dont like it if you never tell me!

This arguments went crazy and both of us wanted to win. Especially him. I told him i dont know. How would i know about something that i DONT knowwww. But he went crazy and say that i dont know how to joke. He said did i make joke like that with my friends. Or was i alone all my life.

When he mentioned about being alone i thought, ok, THIS IS IT. I clean the table, go to the kitchen. I washed the dishes and tears came running down my cheeks. How could he humiliate me like that. So, thats what he thinks of me all this time?

I go out to get some water to drink and clean my face with wet wipes. He added again, 'Is this how you treat your ex-bf?" Like, no wonder you and him didnt last. Maybe he wanted to say that too.

How determined he was to hurt me. He's a man. How can he be so mean like that. It hurts. Even now as i write this i still feel hurt. And i doubt him as a husband. Can i live with this man for the rest of my life?

When i first met him in KL and i spent our first night together. I judged him enough during 20 hours being together. He was smelly. Very hairy and he shaved his body. He likes to tell lies. Good at twisting stories and get you confused. He was not as responsible and brave as he told me. And he was terribly bad at sex. He has every single thing i hate in a man. And i was 98% rejected him.

In the bus, on the way back to my parents house to introduce him to my parents. (i wish i didn't but i had promised him) I felt disgusted and ashamed to be with him.

But as soon as my parents greeted him, i was FLIPPED.

Third World Country Victim

Lately my husband looks sad and unmotivated. Sometimes words like, i miss my country, malaysia is not good for me, just slipped through his tongue. I understand how it feels like to be him. If it was me i will be complaining and feel suicidal. I just cant live like that. I dont know what to do to help him.

He was on his way to immigrate to canada when we first met. But because i have no bachelors degree, i cant come along. So, he ignored that ambition and went straight for marriage. I asked him many times about this decision. And he looked so sure back then. Now, when he tastes the reality, the awareness came into his mind.

I dont even like my own country. There are so many things malaysia should change to provide comfortable living for the citizens. The service in government offices. Facilities. Public transport. The weather is another thing. It limits us from doing many things. We become lazy and stay inside like lizards and frogs. No wonder when chinese and indian first arrived in tanah melayu, they said malays are lazy. Its not their fault. Its the weather!

I feel really bad for my husband. He said he can never mix with his colleagues. Well, they speak to him. But only a few words. Malays will hang out with malays. Chinese will hang out with their own race. And he will sit alone with no gang. Pity him. I wish i can do something to help him. Maybe apply job in another country? I suggested dubai. He used to work in dubai. And he said dubai is worse. The weather is bad. And it will be a strange land for both of us. At least in malaysia, i am a citizen.

I suggest him to go on a holiday. But he's so stingy about his annual leave. The pay each day the company pays him about 1++.  So he doesnt want to let go of his 2++ or 3++ pay for the holiday. I know holiday will make him feel better. Tioman island looks nice. And i think it will be pefect for both of us. Since we've never gone anywhere alone. And its good to conceive there. And when i'm pregnant, it wont be easy for us to move around anymore. And if we have a kid, it will definitely not be good cos the kid dont understand the vacation and cant enjoy it as much as adult. Too much fuss with the carrier and bottles and baby food maybe. I dont know. Just thinking of it makes me cringe cos i've always been a light traveller and it doesnt appeal to me, the idea of carrying your baby around for vacation.

So, i dont know. I should talk to him again. Maybe he doesnt understand about how awesome it is to go to the island and swim with fishes. It will make him fall in love with this country. At least.

10 Things I'm Thankful For

I noticed i rant a lot in my life. I have to admit. I am a bitter person. I cant say its because of upbringing. Its in my genes. Yes. Theres nothing i can do about it. I was born with this trait. Which is something that i cant be thankful for. But i will try to sit and think about things that im thankful for. At least, for one minute of my life, i'll be doing it.

1. For being married. This is one of my life goal. And i want to do it before i reach 30. And i did.

2. For i dont need to go to work. I can stay home and do whatever i want. This is the best thing anyone could ever asked for.

3. For my husband. Best gratitude of my life. He's a foreigner. An engineer. Handsome. He cares for me. Soft spoken. Respect me and he never raised voice at me. He is a good man.

5. For my previous pregnancy. So i know that i have the ability to get pregnant.

6. For the miscarriage. I was sad, obviously. But i had the chance to experience it and one day i can share the story with other people. And it makes me understand the feelings of women who have no kids.

7. For the internet. I cant live without it. Though its a limited internet. But its portable. And i have access to the world.

8. For the money i have. I can buy anything i want. ANYTHING i want. Because i never want anything expensive. So i can afford everything that i want.

9. For this rental house. I can think about decorating. Me and husband we have freedom. I can cook and clean for my husband. I am happy with it.

10. For my parents. Because i owed them a lot. I got married with their helps. Everything i have now is because of them.

Infertile?

Finally i know how it feels like to be so desperate to have a baby. We have tried to conceive for two months now. And we've waited patiently for 2 months. We tried hard to conceive. It puzzles me. Why? After so much effort. TMI, i know, but we made love every night during my fertile window. We dont wanna miss the egg. But still we missed it.

After 35 days, precisely 5 weeks since my last period aka 'pregnancy'. I have my period. Thats 7 days late! I have never been that late before. 

Very frustrating. Very!!

This time i will do everything i can to get a baby. People said taking evening primrose oil will help. I will go to pharmacy tonight to get one. And i made my husband take folic acid starting from today. I want to improve his fertility. 

I had my meltdown moment just now after reading all the sad stories about women who have tried for years to conceive. One of them have been waiting for 9 years! I cant imagine waiting that long. I just cant! I've been married for 7 months now. I want a baby sooooo much. It is time for me to get pregnant. I want to give him a child. 

Human - Christina Perri

Need to blog about this new finding. I just watched Human - Christinas Perri video musice. It was spectacular. So suble and deep.

I really really really love that knd of creativity. Suits me. I just love it. But on secoond watch - meh... No feelings anymore. :)

Finding a Cure

Have i told you i'm pregnant?


Or, i WAS pregnant?

Well, i've lost the baby anyway. At 6 week. Well, not really 6 week, but in the borderline between 5 and 6. Maybe in the middle of forming its heartbeat. Its really nothing to be crying about. But, seriously when i saw others being pregnant. Especially famous people on youtube like bubz. She's a few months ahead of me. But she revealed the news about her pregnancy the same time as i found out i was pregnant.

So now when i watch her vlog, especially an update on her pregnancy, theres something sad inside of me. Keep rising, begging for attention. I feel unable. And i thought, why? Others are also pregnant with thier first child. But they can do it effortlessly. Why i could not?

Main reason must be DEPRESSION.

There are just too much depressions. From previous relationship. Who keep nagging and make me feel guilty. Made me cried and went into terrible meltdown. Emotionally, i was very unstable. Even now i still am.

Husband who live away from me. His career needs him to be away from me for months. I cried myself to sleep thinking of how empty my life is. No husband beside of me and trapped in my parents house. Its really not a bad thing living with my parents. But its in my head. Everything is really in my head. In the end, its really just me who can find answer and convince myself that everything is okay. Not my husband or anyone. Its really just me. I need to find cure. But for now, it seems like i want to enjoy the sorrow.

My husband. Theres really nothing he can do about this. Even if he comes home early, rationally. Its a stupid idea, dumb decision. I dont want him to come back. The reason i messed with his head is just for his attention. Want him to worry about me. I like it when he's worried? Not really. You like it when he becomes crazy and tell me he's coming home tomorrow? Definitely not.

Facts

i thought he'll come here equipped.

1. marry me
2. ready to be idle for a few months
3. live in a rented house for a few months
4. look for job
5. got a new job
6. start a life here

most crucial thing. i thought:

• he had at least 130,000 ringgit with him. my biggest mistake.

never i expected

• we'll live with my parents
• he's not interested to find jobs
• penniless after marrying me
• will leave me for almost half a year. thats a semester in university
• he's not a virgin
• he went to prostitutes

what kind of men go to prostitutes??

i'm a stupid girl for him

my fault for making wrong decision

• i should stay away from him
• he should be ignored

Lonely

since i married him, i was happy. need to admit the positive side it gave me. marriage was amazing.

but living away from ech other. distance. its killing me. it doesnt suit me at all. im not build to be in this kind of relationship. it wont work for me. im an attention machine. i need lots of attention. at least to be together. in front of me. to be touched. to be seen. lots of chance of communication. yes. i need communication. im a communication machine. i can even understand things without the need for it to be spoken.

now we're thousand of miles away. and all i can think about is misery. how sad my life has become. thought marriage will change my fate. to be better. to be happier. but i'll be living in misery. ive made a wrong decision to marry a seaman.

its killing me from inside. not only ive lost myself. lost my identity. i lost my happiness. i live in misery. always wake up to sadness. loneliness. i cried myself to sleep every night. battling with my own feelings. weighing the good and the bad on my hands. judging. criticizing. evaluating. my brain cant stop working.

and i must admit, i can never come out with good. always with the bad. i see the bad in everything. this is very challenging. this it too much for me to handle. others might have the strength to handle it. but i cant. i just CAN'T.

how am i supposed to get out of this. should i start an affair to fill up this empty space in my heart. 

Curly Parsley = Daun Selom

Curly Parsley, not the Italian one

The first time i had curly parsley, i realized that it tasted so much like daun selom. Seriously. Only a bit stronger in taste.

Daun Selom

And another western veggies that can be substituted with Malay is artichoke. Cos i heard it taste like young jackfruit. Interesting eh?

Understanding Vampires

Before my grandmother died, she had a dream and she screamed to my mother to run. When asked, she said the house was on fire. And my mother believed that's the sign. The sign that she's gonna 'leave' home.

Today i had a dream and it's about the same. I don't believe in spiritual beliefs. But i do believe our body can detect a vision of future. Even if it's in a matter of seconds. Again, it's not that i truly believe that i'm gonna die.

And again, it doesn't mean that i don't wanna die. Or i'm afraid of dying. I do have fears of dying. But i have complete different view of death now. And it doesn't scare me much as before.

It's just that, i'd rather be the one who dies than seeing the ones you love die. It's really unbearable. It leaves you with guilts, memories, unachieved dreams, regrets, many sleepless nights... and it's so painful.

Now, i understand vampires. Why they don't like their immortal lives. We always heard they said they hate seeing their loved ones died. And i know what they mean now!

Lost Home

Happiness is too far away for me. But, the truth is, i'm always happy. It doesn't take much to make me happy. Buy me a hair tie, a ball of yarn, a free sample... i'd be smiling ear to ear.

In fact, i've never had a big dream. An expensive dream like some people. Take my sister for example. She always dreamed of buying a cool car, build a big house. And her appetite is always hard to please. I've never wanted a big car. Never have i wanted a big house. In fact, the only house i've ever dreamed of was a small shack with a garden. And that's it.

In my life, the only ambition i had was to be a cabin crew. ~.~  Of course that'd never come true. And then, when i was in secondary school, i stood out as a writer amongst friends. People requested me to write everyday and people were sharing my writing books like a best-seller. I was too naive to notice my talent. And my parents were too naive too i guess, to support me to write more.

But still i continue dreaming about story lines. And at the same time, my love for English grew deeper and deeper. So, i began channeling my art into English essays. Started from there, my teacher gave a lot of attentions to me.

That's how i started dreaming of becoming an English teacher.

But when i finished school, i don't know what kind of program should i choose. What university should i go. My parents didn't know how to help. And i didn't know even more.

I know i shouldn't blame my parents. But when i think back of those days. I can't help myself from blaming them for all the things happened to me. I continue living life in a wrong path and i don't know how to correct them. I'm walking in a big black tunnel and i have never saw a glimpse of light anywhere. It's all pitch dark.

Last year, i think i should start writing again. So i finished two manuscripts. I am still in a middle of writing one more. But my mother don't like what i'm doing. She don't like everything i do.

How can i do things she don't like? It's even hard to explain to her. That's why i lied to her. I know it's easier to say the truth. But the truth would be harder. It's too ugly and hideous. She can't take it.

Now, whenever i went home, i never felt like i went 'home'. It's just a place i visit. It's not where i belong. The room is too messed up. It's upside down. My bed had become a place to pile things up. And i don't know where to start. What to dream. What to do. Where should i place my laptop so i could think of something alone. So i could start writing a line or two. NO. There is absolutely no place for me. Their acts, their dialogues. I cannot hear them. They're so thorny that i feel like i want to pack up and run away right in that second!

But of course i waved goodbye anyway. I found comfort in wandering off. I took off and decided it's no longer a home for me.

I doubt my mother. What does she want from me? Doesn't she want to see me happy? What is she thinking? She don't like me writing. She wants me to be a teacher. But i've gone too far away from being a teacher. So what does she want me to do? She just don't get it. She never tried to understand. I cannot work. I can't serve people. I don't like it. And i'm just that kind of person who cannot do things i hate. Does she has any idea how many pressures she'd inject into my brain?

In conclusion. I'm not a happy person. I'm suicidal. Sick. No breathing creatures on this earth know what i had in my mind. What i think of when i let my thoughts take a drift. No one knows that i have a dream every night. The same dream. Over and over. Every. Single. Night. Like a psychopath.

If i lay in my bed, i cannot enjoy the softness of the pillow. I cannot . It's been so long since the last time i enjoy life. I've even forgotten how it feels like to see a clear sky. How it feels like to have a cool breeze sweeping up my cheeks. And how it feels like to live with a dream.

"All that I have is a river
The river is always my home
Lord, take me away
For I just cannot stay
Or I’ll sink in my skin and my bones

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can’t drown me, I’m done
With my dying ."

The One Who Inherited Me The Cook and Gardener Gene

My grandmother has passed away on last Sept 15. She suffered from stroke and she's been sick for more than 4 years. I really wish i don't have to talk about it here. But, before i proceed with next post, i think i need to talk about it somehow. It's one of few important dates for me to remember anyway.

Since the day she died, i never let myself to lost in deep thought of her. I have to many guilts, too many sins towards her. I remember when she loved me the most. I was the best granddaughter to her. And she said she'd give me lots of presents for taking care of her. But that was only during the first two years after she fell ill. But the next 2 years was bitter. Full of memories that shouldn't be recalled. But my memory always slides open the door without me trying to open it. And there i could see her in that room. Lying alone on her mattress. Quietly. Never complaining about the way she lives. About the mosquitoes or the ants. Or the pain she felt whenever we lifted her to the bathroom. Never. But sometimes she'd shout her lungs out. And we'd be angry at her for causing too much noises. But we understood well that she wanted attention. But again, we just couldn't control the anger. It was her, the noble. And it made me feel even more guilty.

But the last time i went home, she lied in the living room. There was only skin and bone on her.  Just to make an excuse, she caught a flu and stroke striked her for the third time. Started from there, she was completely drifted away in sleep. She didn't respond when you called her and i couldn't even recall the last time she saw me with her eyes open. I didn't even kissed her the last time i stepped out of home.

So, the next morning, with us all surrounding her, reading the Surah Yaasin, she passed away. Her face was very calm. And just like my late grandfather, at the last second of her breath, there was an expression on her face. An expression of DEATH.

I went there, to her grave. Watching her being buried 6 feet from the ground. How people laid her there alone. And left her there. It was very sad. I imagined her shouting her lungs out as always. And her hands waving at us. But under there...

Goodbye Mok...

May you be at peace. Your sufferings has ended. But even now, i always thought you're at home. Staying in your room. Looking at the walls with empty stares. Looking up to the kitchen to see who's there.  No one knows how sad the look was. How helpless, how tender! Oh dear love...

But then again i can't forget the coldness of your cheeks the last time i kissed them. How i missed you, how i love you so and in fact, you're the best grandmother i'd ever had! There'd be nothing in this world to make the second you. It's too late for words of love now. But... but i should stop now. Or i might die of sadness......................

24 Hours After Hiroshima

Sad
Angry