Finding a Cure

Have i told you i'm pregnant?


Or, i WAS pregnant?

Well, i've lost the baby anyway. At 6 week. Well, not really 6 week, but in the borderline between 5 and 6. Maybe in the middle of forming its heartbeat. Its really nothing to be crying about. But, seriously when i saw others being pregnant. Especially famous people on youtube like bubz. She's a few months ahead of me. But she revealed the news about her pregnancy the same time as i found out i was pregnant.

So now when i watch her vlog, especially an update on her pregnancy, theres something sad inside of me. Keep rising, begging for attention. I feel unable. And i thought, why? Others are also pregnant with thier first child. But they can do it effortlessly. Why i could not?

Main reason must be DEPRESSION.

There are just too much depressions. From previous relationship. Who keep nagging and make me feel guilty. Made me cried and went into terrible meltdown. Emotionally, i was very unstable. Even now i still am.

Husband who live away from me. His career needs him to be away from me for months. I cried myself to sleep thinking of how empty my life is. No husband beside of me and trapped in my parents house. Its really not a bad thing living with my parents. But its in my head. Everything is really in my head. In the end, its really just me who can find answer and convince myself that everything is okay. Not my husband or anyone. Its really just me. I need to find cure. But for now, it seems like i want to enjoy the sorrow.

My husband. Theres really nothing he can do about this. Even if he comes home early, rationally. Its a stupid idea, dumb decision. I dont want him to come back. The reason i messed with his head is just for his attention. Want him to worry about me. I like it when he's worried? Not really. You like it when he becomes crazy and tell me he's coming home tomorrow? Definitely not.