36 Weeks, Day 6

Today is the start of the hip pain. I am sure it is caused by the bone. Pelvic bone. Oh, it is so uncomfortable. Pain, yes. When i sit or if i lay down, i dont feel anything. But when i put my feet to the ground, oh nooo. My groin, my hip bone, everything comes in a package. Pressure, shooting pain. :(

Told my mother and she got panic. I know deep inside that i'm not giving birth yet. But when she gets panic like that, i doubt myself. LOL. But everything seems ok now. If baby enganged today, then most probably i will give birth in two weeks time. Around sept 5. Instead of fear, i am actually excited for it. :)

Baby

I am on a very strict diet. I am doing this out of desperation to get pregnant. You know, one month from now, we'll celebrate our first anniversary. I think it has been 5 months since we're trying to conceive. Every months, waiting for period is like a battle of hopes. But the period came anyway. Even though it's not welcomed!

I really dont know why i didnt get pregnant yet. I think i am healthy enough for a baby. I am just overweight. Not that fat i think. I am fit. I have muscles and exercise. Compared to other people who are completely obese, i think i am a better obese. lol.. My half sister is also fat and she still can get pregnant. My second cousin is fatter than me. She's also pregnant. My period is perfect. I really have no clue of what's going on inside me. But whatever it is we're trying anyway. This time i hope my emotion is stable. Hormones and everything, i hope them to be in perfect condition so the egg and sperm can meet.

Last night i had a fight with my husband. It was not even to be called a fight. But whatever. What i'm trying to say is that i am finally accepting him into my life. Even when we had a fight, i dont have that feelings of wanting a divorce anymore. I have left the past. There is no way i can go back to it. I am looking forward into the future now. Waiting for another big thing which is a baby to change my life.When i look at my husband, i see a person whom i'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. A person who is so influential and the one who has withdrawn me from the darkest pit on earth.

Dilemma

I opened facebook and went to my exbf's profile. How awesome his life looks. He has a nice job and nice wife. He looked like a nice person now. Was it me who made him a bad person? Maybe i spoiled him too much. I was an idiot back then. Whatever happened to me 10 years ago was not his fault. It was my fault. I wasn't as open as i am now.

Conflicts in myself:
1. Spoiling my husband.
2. Financially insufficient - only rm3500 per month. And we need to consider many things just to put dinner on the table. Most of his salary will go to saving which is MY money that we... or HE used up!
3. Regretting this marriage.

Today is my birthday. He didn't even say happy birthday to me. Not even a birthday kiss. Everything turned bitter and sour. He's definitely not the kind of man i want.

We are in the middle of trying to conceive. Like seriously! I know he cant love me the way i want him to. But i will have his baby? I am literally trapped. Should i have his baby? Should i?

Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy Review

Whether you're pregnant or not, this book will give you a good laugh. Its not a book with full guide about pregnancy. In this book she tells you about her experience of carrying a baby for 9 months. And how someone as hot as her, needs to change from wearing G-string all her life into going for wearing granny panties.

This book is not boring. That i can guarantee you. In fact you'll be reading fast and loyal because you want to find out what happen when she give birth. I did finish this book. And i want others to read this too. Especially women who are pregnant for the first time.

I'll rate this book 8 out of 10.

Infertile?

Finally i know how it feels like to be so desperate to have a baby. We have tried to conceive for two months now. And we've waited patiently for 2 months. We tried hard to conceive. It puzzles me. Why? After so much effort. TMI, i know, but we made love every night during my fertile window. We dont wanna miss the egg. But still we missed it.

After 35 days, precisely 5 weeks since my last period aka 'pregnancy'. I have my period. Thats 7 days late! I have never been that late before. 

Very frustrating. Very!!

This time i will do everything i can to get a baby. People said taking evening primrose oil will help. I will go to pharmacy tonight to get one. And i made my husband take folic acid starting from today. I want to improve his fertility. 

I had my meltdown moment just now after reading all the sad stories about women who have tried for years to conceive. One of them have been waiting for 9 years! I cant imagine waiting that long. I just cant! I've been married for 7 months now. I want a baby sooooo much. It is time for me to get pregnant. I want to give him a child.