Bully

Bullied by house owner. It happened two times now. Well my husband got bullied all the time by everyone. He's a slow learner and I suspect him for having autism. I mean he's really slow in learning new things, and he always have a hard time remembering something. Not that he's stupid. He is not stupid. He's excellent at some things like engineering stuff, mathematics.

I don't know. Malaysians suck. It's frustrating how we always bumped into dishonest people. Especially for my foreign husband. I feel really bad for him. Now he's gone. It will be a long separation. And i kind of doubt it that we'll ever be together again.

Together

Looking back at the video of me and baby coming here to kulim, it looked so uncertain. So bad feelings. But after some times living here, turned out it's not that bad. Afterall, it's always better living with my husband. No matter how bad the condition is. We've got each other.

Ugly Wife

So I am not pretty. I have a kind heart though. And even though i'm ugly, at least i have him, compared to others who are not married. He's surrounded by pretty young girls and he's thinking of probability of one of them falling in love with him.

 

Mistake ii

My husband is having a bad time in kulim now. His life is a mess. It made me think that I'm worthless. I cause trouble. I am trouble.

But the truth is, i could have different fate if I didn't marry him. I could've gone to another country. Live with another man. And now I can tell different story instead of this one I'm writing.

Him. If he married a woman from the Philippine. He'll have the same fate. He'll get married. Start all over again. Search for job. Fit in new country. Fit in new work environment. Discrimination.

My son is not a mistake. I've always wanted a child. Even before I got married, I always think of getting someone to impregnate me. Then I'll take care of the kid alone. I just want to have a kid. This is the kid that I've always wanted.

But now that I have a child, my life ends here. I don't think anyone can easily accept me and my son into their life. Sucks.

Depression

Got a baby in my arms. So beautiful, so healthy and perfect. He's everything i've ever wanted. I should be feeling happy. But that feeling is not around. I dont feel happy at all. So many thoughts came into my mind.

1. Husband left for work after day 4.
2. Nurses visits to home.
3. Baby's name on registration.
4. Our family future.
5. Uncertainty.

1. Husband left after 4 days baby arrived. This is the biggest downfall. I needed him the most at this time. I've been living without him for one month. And i keep saying all of this will be over (i mean after baby arrived, things will be ok) but he need to leave again. And it just gets worse. I cried on the day he left and the days after. I had the biggest meltdown. I threw my anger at him. I am so full of frustrations.

2. Nurses visits. I really dont need them coming. Especially when they're ridiculously stupid to give me advises. I can learn on my own. They come almost everyday. Then, they'll advise you on things that professionals shouldn't. They judged you personally. And that is just depressing. It's like having police coming to your house. You dont do anything wrong but their visits are so unwelcome.

3. Baby's name on registration. His name was registered in the style that was not intended to be. He has no surname. How crazy that is?? It's my husband's fault. I wish i can scream on his face. I wish i can ask him to make everything right again. My baby's name. My life.

4. Our family future. It's all about his job. He doesn't like it here in my country. He can never fit in. So after one year, he decided to go back to ship. Going back to ship means leaving me and our son for 6 months. I cannot imagine how it will be like. Living like that. I have to admit, maybe it was my fault. I encouraged him. The reason is i feel pity. He got bully at his workplace. People dont respect him. He's constantly depressed. As someone who loves him, i cannot bear seeing him like that. So, i encouraged him to apply for shipping job again. Now, one company spoke to him and they're already talking about contract. It's almost certain. He'll be going for 6 months. After 6 months, our son is already big. He'll lose the time seeing him growing up, building up characters, learning, first milestones of his life.

5. Uncertainty. When i first met him, i wanted stability from him. He said he can give me stability. But now it's already one year and a half. Things are still the same. In fact, it's getting worse. We don't have a house. No car. No place to call home. He doesn't even has a stable job. What kind of life is that?

Mistake

Son, when I decided to have you I've always wanted the best for you. I don't want to make mistake for you. But only a few days after you were born, we, the parents already made the biggest mistake ever for you.

It was your name. Sweetheart, how I regret having your name to be registered that way. I regret. I'm so sorry. You deserve a perfect life. But i can't even give you a nice name.

Maybe it's your dad's fault. It is. But how can I rely on him. He's just weird like that. We can't change him.

Busy?

Feeling emotional these last days of pregnancy. Is it hormone? On a brief thought, i will blame it on my husband.

When i didn't care, he also chose not to care. As a woman, i also like the idea of him reading my mind. Every woman wants a mind reader man. Dont they?

Maybe he's busy with work. But yesterday was his off day. He didn't even send me message. No calls.

I became very sensitive. I dont know why. Like everything is wrong. I get offended very easily. I want my husband around. But he's just too busy.

Too Rational

I am 36 weeks pregnant. Since 34 weeks, my husband and i live in distance. The first few days, he cared about me. He called me. It was obvious that he missed me. After he started living with his friends, things changed. He got caught up with works. I know he always had hard time at work. He's not as mentally strong as other men. He lose confidence easily. And easily get broken and stressed out. So, i try not to add pressure to his mind. I stay away from him when he didn't message. I never push or nag him to give attention to me. I accept the way he treats me just the way he could. I never asked for more.

It has been a few nights he disappeared without saying goodnight. But yesterday's night i think there's something going wrong in his side of the world. It's his off day tomorrow, and he disappeared. I thought he'll spend that night talking to me. Calling me or something.

So, yesterday's morning i decided to stop talking to him. I sulked. Then my phone started ringing continuously from his effort of getting back to me. I ignored. But after a few attempts i gave in. He told me his friends brought him to a bar. It's funny how honest he is. He said his friends cheated him by saying that they're going to a shopping mall. It turned out that they went to a bar. A bar full of thai girls. Guiding alcohols into their mouths. Giving them wild dance.

I was in shocked. So i cried and cried. My heart was so broken. But after a few minutes i was calm. I forgave him because he was honest. I think its not right for me to be angry since he confess it to me.

But today as i flashback into yesterday, i think i was such a fool for trying to calm myself down. To be in control of my emotions. I should've just let it go. Scream at him. Curse him. But i am soft. I easily forgive. Today i realized that i can't forget it. I want to list down all the wrong things he did yesterday so i wont forget how he took me for granted.
- He didn't reply to my messages.
- He didn't care about me who's waiting for him after such a long day at work.
- He didn't miss me.
- I was the LAST THING in his mind last night.

Am i too understanding? Am i too rational? I pity him too much that i forgive him for everything he did. He can get away with anything. In my head, i saw him as a man without family. I saw him as weak. A man who can't accept negativity. So i surround him with positivity. I never nagged him. Never asked anything from him. I never spent even 100 for myself a month from his salary. I wanted to buy cosmetics and he said dont. So i wont. I'm a very good wife. Very good to the point of an idiot.

A baby is coming into this world. And, he will come in between us. There'll be no more me and him moments. Things will change completely. Surprisingly after getting pregnant, divorce is no longer an option in my life. I want to fix this so much. But i dont know how. Maybe i should just ignore. I remembered those days before we were married. He was obsessed about me. Because i was different. I didn't care about him. I hated him. I married him out of pity and now i devote everything for him.

I love my baby more than anything. But at the same time i don't wanna lose my husband. If one day things get worse, i will stabilize myself up with a business. Get a driving license. I'll take my dowry money back from him. And i will leave him. Maybe no one will marry me anymore cos i have a kid. But living alone is better than being treated like a fool by someone you love. It's hard. But i see this coming.

I have never loved anyone the way i love him. I have a feeling that he'll hurt me one day and i'll be very broken. I should get myself ready. I am attractive. I can get men to fall in love with me. I can flirt day and night to revenge for him. Maybe one day i'll do just that.

Trouble in Paradise

So last night he told me, 'I'm not happy.'

What would be your reaction when someone told you that? In my mind, i knew its about job. He told me, nobody can accept him. He cannot fit in. People look down on him. People judged him.

When we talk about this. We always go back to the time when we were chatting. We met online. After only about one week of saying hi, he already told me he wanted to marry me. And i rejected him so many times.

I dont know why but he really determined about coming here. Until later i found out, the reason was only to sleep with me for one night and to have a wife that looks chinese. He canceled his plan to migrate to canada only because of these foolish plans.

And now, 8 months later, he is in depression. Apparently the grass looks greener on the other side for him.

Lose Weight

So my husband made a stupid decision to let his friends send him home. Our house is dirty outside. Thats one thing.

When they came to pick him up, they were all jokingly asked my husband to see his wife (me). I know its funny. But it showed how much they want to see his wife. He's not only a silly man, but also, a freak. So maybe they're all wondering how do i look.

With this fat and rolls hanging on my body, i dont look presentable at all. Its just embarrassing! I am trying to lose weight. But it just doesnt seem right. I had been fasting for 3 days now and i dont lose even 1 kg. Frustrating!

Well i guess i need to really go starving!

My Husband is the Best

I am writing this to express my love to my husband. I know, i am a crazy woman. Sometimes i love him. The other time i hate him. Well, i'm a woman. I am made of a big bunch of hormones.

We are in trouble again. I guess. Because our car has stopped working. Well, we're always in big trouble because he has no license. And i just hate it when we are illegal like that. Anyway, the car! It stopped working!

And we need to go to mechanic to fix it. He went to the site with his friend this morning. Poor him!

This problem has started since yesterday. But after a few adjustments, the car started and he drove to the site. He came home for lunch, OK. Went back to the site, OK. But around 7 pm, he wanted to come home. The car acted up again. He fixed it. I forgot about the car problem and my head was filled with the thought of 'we have no bread at all for breakfast'. I called him to ask him to buy bread. He sounded hesitated. But i didn't understand. 30 minutes after that, he didnt arrive yet. I called. He said the car failed again. Uhhhh!!! I felt like crying. It is MY fault!

But he never said it was my fault. He kept saying it was the car's fault. When he came home, i can see how tired he looked. After dinner and shower he went right into a deep sleep.

If it happened to my previous partner. I know she will definitely be shouting at me. Blaming me and cursing me for all the troubles. But with him, its so different. He never blame me on anything. At least not at the critical moment.

I'm touched by his behaviour. :')

Trying to Conceive

If i am infertile because of obesity, i should be fat enough that my period stopped coming - in other words, irregular cycle. But my menstrual cycle always came beautifully. No problem with that. My parents have no fertility issues. My father has 11 children (incl. half siblings) and my mother never experience miscarriage, and have 5 kids. My aunties too. No problem at all. Except my eldest auntie (mother's side) she lost, if im not mistaken, 4 kids. The reason? Sadness. She had terrible life back then.

Here, i can relate to myself. And i want to come up with a summary or conclusion of my journey. Here we go.

July: Raya month. Because i want to surprise my family with my pregnancy. But didnt work. Why? Because we didnt make love every night. And after the fertile window finished, we go back to having sex with condom.

August: We had sex every night. BUT, only within fertile window. As soon as it finished, we went back using condom.

September: We made sure to make love every night after i finished my period. So we did. Almost quarter of a month without fail. But this task made us tired, and it became a chore. Not fun. Sometimes i wasnt even wet. We thought everything was okay. But during my fertile window, we had a terrible fight. We didnt speak, i cried everyday and night. And the only thing i think about was just, divorce! But still i forced myself to continue sleeping and have sex with him, only to get pregnant. And i thought, even if we divorced, at least i have a kid. What a wicked thought! So, i am sure, this time, stress and depression has prevented me from getting pregnant.

I dont want to stop trying. We will try again as soon as i finished this cycle. And we will do it better this time. I love him. I truly love him. And i truly want his baby. Our mixed baby! I hope things will be alright. And this will be the last period for 9 months to come.

Neighbour

A few days ago, our rented house went blackout. I lived in miserable heat for more than 6 hours. Once my husband came home. He tried to figure out the source of problem. Turned out that we have the current running but both holes (in switch board) has current. Meaning that it messed up, cos according to my husband's explanation, only one hole should have current, not both.

So, we blamed the leakage on the roof. We have terrible leakage in our living room and middle room but never bother to tell the owner of this house cos he is a bad person. He likes to turn things around and get away from troubles. At the end of the day he will try to blame others or US instead of taking the responsibility.

This time, as we're living in the dark, he tried to send us TNB instead of sending an electrician. What i want to talk about is, my neighbour. We live in a semi D house. So this house is attached with another house. I dont really know whats wrong with them. They are very weird and unfriendly. We used to bump into each other a few times. But they turned their heads away and pretending like they dont care.

That night, as my husband walking and inspecting the house from outside, the neighbour talked to him! What a surprise. He told him that the blackout problem came from his house! And he was fixing that problem at that time.

More surprisingly, he speak english to my husband. Its really funny, cos most of the time, those who dont know my husband, they will confidently speak malay, cos they often mistaken him as a pakistani (he doesnt look pakistani at all!!)

But this time, this man speaks english to my husband. Meaning that they secretly listen to our conversation!!! And they do care about us. Isnt that a bad thing? They are stalker arent they?

And one more thing. When he speaks to my husband, i can hear that kind of tone like my husband is not welcomed, dont deserved to be respected kinda tone. I have been thinking lately. What if my husband has blond hair. I think everybody will worship him. He looks white, but the only problem is he is hairy and his hair is black. Pity him.

Its Killing Me

My husband is very flat. No emotions. No excitement. Weird. He's the biggest freak i've ever known.

I am very scared of the idea being trapped and stuck with him forever. Can i handle him forever? Can i endure this feelings until i die?

How my future will be like?

Dilemma

I opened facebook and went to my exbf's profile. How awesome his life looks. He has a nice job and nice wife. He looked like a nice person now. Was it me who made him a bad person? Maybe i spoiled him too much. I was an idiot back then. Whatever happened to me 10 years ago was not his fault. It was my fault. I wasn't as open as i am now.

Conflicts in myself:
1. Spoiling my husband.
2. Financially insufficient - only rm3500 per month. And we need to consider many things just to put dinner on the table. Most of his salary will go to saving which is MY money that we... or HE used up!
3. Regretting this marriage.

Today is my birthday. He didn't even say happy birthday to me. Not even a birthday kiss. Everything turned bitter and sour. He's definitely not the kind of man i want.

We are in the middle of trying to conceive. Like seriously! I know he cant love me the way i want him to. But i will have his baby? I am literally trapped. Should i have his baby? Should i?

Spoiled Husband

In my life i've always known. When i see a spoiled person/kid. I wouldnt blame him/her for being that way. Cos the one that is guilty is the spoiler. When i see this behaviour in my husband, i know enough, it is my fault for giving too much attention to him and spoiling him rotten.

Last night we had a fight. I had chocolate on my mouth and he refused to kiss me because of that. And then i kissed him anyway by force. I had no bad intention. Just to be silly and laugh. Then he ran away to the kitchen. I pulled his underwear and make joke about it. He didnt laugh though i laughed like crazy cos i thought it was funny. He went to bed. He looked depressed. And when i asked a question he'll give a one word answer.

I went to the kitchen to make dinner. At the same time i keep going out to ask him what wrong with you? With an annoyed intonation. He replied with same intonation. I knew its because of the kissing. I asked him if its because of the kissing. He said no. Okay...

And then i go to cook some more. And go out to see him again, raging this time. Almost screaming with question, 'what is wrong with you?'

He never answer.

When its time for dinner. I refused to talk to him. And he started nagging at me and begging for attention. I didnt care! But i couldnt resist myself from having a discussion and i start the conversation.

He became tense right away. Saying he didnt like me disobeying him like that. I kissed him by force and make fun of his underwear. How would i know you dont like it if you never tell me!

This arguments went crazy and both of us wanted to win. Especially him. I told him i dont know. How would i know about something that i DONT knowwww. But he went crazy and say that i dont know how to joke. He said did i make joke like that with my friends. Or was i alone all my life.

When he mentioned about being alone i thought, ok, THIS IS IT. I clean the table, go to the kitchen. I washed the dishes and tears came running down my cheeks. How could he humiliate me like that. So, thats what he thinks of me all this time?

I go out to get some water to drink and clean my face with wet wipes. He added again, 'Is this how you treat your ex-bf?" Like, no wonder you and him didnt last. Maybe he wanted to say that too.

How determined he was to hurt me. He's a man. How can he be so mean like that. It hurts. Even now as i write this i still feel hurt. And i doubt him as a husband. Can i live with this man for the rest of my life?

When i first met him in KL and i spent our first night together. I judged him enough during 20 hours being together. He was smelly. Very hairy and he shaved his body. He likes to tell lies. Good at twisting stories and get you confused. He was not as responsible and brave as he told me. And he was terribly bad at sex. He has every single thing i hate in a man. And i was 98% rejected him.

In the bus, on the way back to my parents house to introduce him to my parents. (i wish i didn't but i had promised him) I felt disgusted and ashamed to be with him.

But as soon as my parents greeted him, i was FLIPPED.

Black Book (Zwartboek) Review

I just finished watching Black Book or Zwartboek in Dutch. I think its in dutch, cos german says schwartz for black. Right?

I usually avoid war movies cos most of the time i dont understand them and i just hate hate hate war. But this time, since its in german, it pulled me to keep watching it cos i always have a thing with german. Hiksssh.. :P So here i will explain things that i understand from this movie ok. Not from the real movie maker perspective. Only from the eyes of humble viewer.

Its about this woman named Ellis. She comes from a rich jewish family. They tried to escape germany by boat to poland. But they were ambushed by german kraut (hitlers army) and everyone died except her cos she jumped into the water.

And then she escaped. Got involved with a few dutch guys. And then a doctor fell in love with her. She was sent into this train to be with Muntze and Muntze kind of fell in love with her. And the dutch guy sent her to Muntze again to seduce him. And finally they both fell in love. I really like her to be with Muntze. And you know what, they really fell in love in this movie. Both of them, in real world! No wonder they looked so perfect together. :)

This movie is a must watch for me. Its a great movie. They know how to twist things around and make you feel cheated in the end. You know, that intelligent kind of movie.

So, the rating of the movie on imdb is 7.8. I'll give it 7.5 out of 10. Because, well what can you expect from a war movie. People die all the time. And sometimes, people who you wish they wont kill also dies. :(

So, 7.5!!

Third World Country Victim

Lately my husband looks sad and unmotivated. Sometimes words like, i miss my country, malaysia is not good for me, just slipped through his tongue. I understand how it feels like to be him. If it was me i will be complaining and feel suicidal. I just cant live like that. I dont know what to do to help him.

He was on his way to immigrate to canada when we first met. But because i have no bachelors degree, i cant come along. So, he ignored that ambition and went straight for marriage. I asked him many times about this decision. And he looked so sure back then. Now, when he tastes the reality, the awareness came into his mind.

I dont even like my own country. There are so many things malaysia should change to provide comfortable living for the citizens. The service in government offices. Facilities. Public transport. The weather is another thing. It limits us from doing many things. We become lazy and stay inside like lizards and frogs. No wonder when chinese and indian first arrived in tanah melayu, they said malays are lazy. Its not their fault. Its the weather!

I feel really bad for my husband. He said he can never mix with his colleagues. Well, they speak to him. But only a few words. Malays will hang out with malays. Chinese will hang out with their own race. And he will sit alone with no gang. Pity him. I wish i can do something to help him. Maybe apply job in another country? I suggested dubai. He used to work in dubai. And he said dubai is worse. The weather is bad. And it will be a strange land for both of us. At least in malaysia, i am a citizen.

I suggest him to go on a holiday. But he's so stingy about his annual leave. The pay each day the company pays him about 1++.  So he doesnt want to let go of his 2++ or 3++ pay for the holiday. I know holiday will make him feel better. Tioman island looks nice. And i think it will be pefect for both of us. Since we've never gone anywhere alone. And its good to conceive there. And when i'm pregnant, it wont be easy for us to move around anymore. And if we have a kid, it will definitely not be good cos the kid dont understand the vacation and cant enjoy it as much as adult. Too much fuss with the carrier and bottles and baby food maybe. I dont know. Just thinking of it makes me cringe cos i've always been a light traveller and it doesnt appeal to me, the idea of carrying your baby around for vacation.

So, i dont know. I should talk to him again. Maybe he doesnt understand about how awesome it is to go to the island and swim with fishes. It will make him fall in love with this country. At least.

His Kiss

 So today i saw this picture of them on their wedding. How sweet isnt it? When i look at them i can feel the happiness. And that sweet kiss Brad gave to Angelina, i can safely say that i also have that kiss now. My husband's kiss is the sweetest kiss in the world.

This morning, near dawn, i was dreaming in my sleep. I was entering this world of ugly men. I dont know how i stumbled upon them. So, this one particular man, he fell in love with me. And suddenly all of these men stripped their clothes. Naked. They said, lets see who has the biggest penis. LOL. And so i was really freaked out. That man, the one who fell in love with me. He approached me with bad intention. And he held me really tight. He was trying to rape me. I was crying for help. But nobody came to help. I had a phone in my hand and i tried to call my husband. He saw that phone and stopped my hand from dialing. I was very desperate. So i grab his crotch and scratch it really deep with my nails.

Suddenly i woke up with a question in my ear, "Honey, are you dreaming?"

I opened my eyes and realized i was in my husband's arms all this time. I gave him a weak nod. I told him about the dream. And he said, "I kissed you when i realized you were dreaming in your sleep. You scratched my back you know."

LOL.

He said he always kiss my lips when he saw me dreaming. And soon after, i'll wake up.

Isn't he the sweetest husband ever?

^__________^