Depression

Got a baby in my arms. So beautiful, so healthy and perfect. He's everything i've ever wanted. I should be feeling happy. But that feeling is not around. I dont feel happy at all. So many thoughts came into my mind.

1. Husband left for work after day 4.
2. Nurses visits to home.
3. Baby's name on registration.
4. Our family future.
5. Uncertainty.

1. Husband left after 4 days baby arrived. This is the biggest downfall. I needed him the most at this time. I've been living without him for one month. And i keep saying all of this will be over (i mean after baby arrived, things will be ok) but he need to leave again. And it just gets worse. I cried on the day he left and the days after. I had the biggest meltdown. I threw my anger at him. I am so full of frustrations.

2. Nurses visits. I really dont need them coming. Especially when they're ridiculously stupid to give me advises. I can learn on my own. They come almost everyday. Then, they'll advise you on things that professionals shouldn't. They judged you personally. And that is just depressing. It's like having police coming to your house. You dont do anything wrong but their visits are so unwelcome.

3. Baby's name on registration. His name was registered in the style that was not intended to be. He has no surname. How crazy that is?? It's my husband's fault. I wish i can scream on his face. I wish i can ask him to make everything right again. My baby's name. My life.

4. Our family future. It's all about his job. He doesn't like it here in my country. He can never fit in. So after one year, he decided to go back to ship. Going back to ship means leaving me and our son for 6 months. I cannot imagine how it will be like. Living like that. I have to admit, maybe it was my fault. I encouraged him. The reason is i feel pity. He got bully at his workplace. People dont respect him. He's constantly depressed. As someone who loves him, i cannot bear seeing him like that. So, i encouraged him to apply for shipping job again. Now, one company spoke to him and they're already talking about contract. It's almost certain. He'll be going for 6 months. After 6 months, our son is already big. He'll lose the time seeing him growing up, building up characters, learning, first milestones of his life.

5. Uncertainty. When i first met him, i wanted stability from him. He said he can give me stability. But now it's already one year and a half. Things are still the same. In fact, it's getting worse. We don't have a house. No car. No place to call home. He doesn't even has a stable job. What kind of life is that?