Too Rational

I am 36 weeks pregnant. Since 34 weeks, my husband and i live in distance. The first few days, he cared about me. He called me. It was obvious that he missed me. After he started living with his friends, things changed. He got caught up with works. I know he always had hard time at work. He's not as mentally strong as other men. He lose confidence easily. And easily get broken and stressed out. So, i try not to add pressure to his mind. I stay away from him when he didn't message. I never push or nag him to give attention to me. I accept the way he treats me just the way he could. I never asked for more.

It has been a few nights he disappeared without saying goodnight. But yesterday's night i think there's something going wrong in his side of the world. It's his off day tomorrow, and he disappeared. I thought he'll spend that night talking to me. Calling me or something.

So, yesterday's morning i decided to stop talking to him. I sulked. Then my phone started ringing continuously from his effort of getting back to me. I ignored. But after a few attempts i gave in. He told me his friends brought him to a bar. It's funny how honest he is. He said his friends cheated him by saying that they're going to a shopping mall. It turned out that they went to a bar. A bar full of thai girls. Guiding alcohols into their mouths. Giving them wild dance.

I was in shocked. So i cried and cried. My heart was so broken. But after a few minutes i was calm. I forgave him because he was honest. I think its not right for me to be angry since he confess it to me.

But today as i flashback into yesterday, i think i was such a fool for trying to calm myself down. To be in control of my emotions. I should've just let it go. Scream at him. Curse him. But i am soft. I easily forgive. Today i realized that i can't forget it. I want to list down all the wrong things he did yesterday so i wont forget how he took me for granted.
- He didn't reply to my messages.
- He didn't care about me who's waiting for him after such a long day at work.
- He didn't miss me.
- I was the LAST THING in his mind last night.

Am i too understanding? Am i too rational? I pity him too much that i forgive him for everything he did. He can get away with anything. In my head, i saw him as a man without family. I saw him as weak. A man who can't accept negativity. So i surround him with positivity. I never nagged him. Never asked anything from him. I never spent even 100 for myself a month from his salary. I wanted to buy cosmetics and he said dont. So i wont. I'm a very good wife. Very good to the point of an idiot.

A baby is coming into this world. And, he will come in between us. There'll be no more me and him moments. Things will change completely. Surprisingly after getting pregnant, divorce is no longer an option in my life. I want to fix this so much. But i dont know how. Maybe i should just ignore. I remembered those days before we were married. He was obsessed about me. Because i was different. I didn't care about him. I hated him. I married him out of pity and now i devote everything for him.

I love my baby more than anything. But at the same time i don't wanna lose my husband. If one day things get worse, i will stabilize myself up with a business. Get a driving license. I'll take my dowry money back from him. And i will leave him. Maybe no one will marry me anymore cos i have a kid. But living alone is better than being treated like a fool by someone you love. It's hard. But i see this coming.

I have never loved anyone the way i love him. I have a feeling that he'll hurt me one day and i'll be very broken. I should get myself ready. I am attractive. I can get men to fall in love with me. I can flirt day and night to revenge for him. Maybe one day i'll do just that.