Lonely

since i married him, i was happy. need to admit the positive side it gave me. marriage was amazing.

but living away from ech other. distance. its killing me. it doesnt suit me at all. im not build to be in this kind of relationship. it wont work for me. im an attention machine. i need lots of attention. at least to be together. in front of me. to be touched. to be seen. lots of chance of communication. yes. i need communication. im a communication machine. i can even understand things without the need for it to be spoken.

now we're thousand of miles away. and all i can think about is misery. how sad my life has become. thought marriage will change my fate. to be better. to be happier. but i'll be living in misery. ive made a wrong decision to marry a seaman.

its killing me from inside. not only ive lost myself. lost my identity. i lost my happiness. i live in misery. always wake up to sadness. loneliness. i cried myself to sleep every night. battling with my own feelings. weighing the good and the bad on my hands. judging. criticizing. evaluating. my brain cant stop working.

and i must admit, i can never come out with good. always with the bad. i see the bad in everything. this is very challenging. this it too much for me to handle. others might have the strength to handle it. but i cant. i just CAN'T.

how am i supposed to get out of this. should i start an affair to fill up this empty space in my heart.