My grandmother has passed away on last Sept 15. She suffered from stroke and she's been sick for more than 4 years. I really wish i don't have to talk about it here. But, before i proceed with next post, i think i need to talk about it somehow. It's one of few important dates for me to remember anyway.
Since the day she died, i never let myself to lost in deep thought of her. I have to many guilts, too many sins towards her. I remember when she loved me the most. I was the best granddaughter to her. And she said she'd give me lots of presents for taking care of her. But that was only during the first two years after she fell ill. But the next 2 years was bitter. Full of memories that shouldn't be recalled. But my memory always slides open the door without me trying to open it. And there i could see her in that room. Lying alone on her mattress. Quietly. Never complaining about the way she lives. About the mosquitoes or the ants. Or the pain she felt whenever we lifted her to the bathroom. Never. But sometimes she'd shout her lungs out. And we'd be angry at her for causing too much noises. But we understood well that she wanted attention. But again, we just couldn't control the anger. It was her, the noble. And it made me feel even more guilty.
But the last time i went home, she lied in the living room. There was only skin and bone on her. Just to make an excuse, she caught a flu and stroke striked her for the third time. Started from there, she was completely drifted away in sleep. She didn't respond when you called her and i couldn't even recall the last time she saw me with her eyes open. I didn't even kissed her the last time i stepped out of home.
So, the next morning, with us all surrounding her, reading the Surah Yaasin, she passed away. Her face was very calm. And just like my late grandfather, at the last second of her breath, there was an expression on her face. An expression of DEATH.
I went there, to her grave. Watching her being buried 6 feet from the ground. How people laid her there alone. And left her there. It was very sad. I imagined her shouting her lungs out as always. And her hands waving at us. But under there...
Goodbye Mok...
May you be at peace. Your sufferings has ended. But even now, i always thought you're at home. Staying in your room. Looking at the walls with empty stares. Looking up to the kitchen to see who's there. No one knows how sad the look was. How helpless, how tender! Oh dear love...
But then again i can't forget the coldness of your cheeks the last time i kissed them. How i missed you, how i love you so and in fact, you're the best grandmother i'd ever had! There'd be nothing in this world to make the second you. It's too late for words of love now. But... but i should stop now. Or i might die of sadness......................
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