When I was single I had nothing. Lived in lies. Mysterious. But people thought I was awesome. I had a great life.
Now my life is under supervision of everyone. They judge they advise, they judge they belittle. I have nothing.
But oh, i got the greatest gift of all. Alex. I shouldn't matter about anything else.
It is not my fault to dream of becoming a housewife. Maybe the problem is with myself. I want to shut everyone away.
Poor Alex. I should at least change Myselff for him.
Plan A:
Lose weight
Marry another man
Plan B:
Learn how to drive
Have a business
Life changed
Decided to start writing everyday. I would plan out topics to write so i don't have to have bump into writer's block which will stop me from writing.
1.Weather
2.What me and Alex ate for breakfast
3.What i cook today
4.What chores you want to do today
5.Anything you want to create today?
6.Current entertainment update. Movie, song, book.
7.Relationship with people around me especially Moji/Alex
8.How did you spend last night?
9.Highlight of yesterday
10.One thing i'm thankful for today
11.My fear
-Because moji's gene is not good.
-Ignoring us when we call.
-Too much trouble a kid could bring.
-Vaccination
-School
-Can't go on holiday
So proud of myself. Tonight i finally made a light box for myself so i can take photo of my makeup collection.
The result of the photo is just stunning! It cost nothing! I'm so proud of it. Those who invented this is really a genius. Huge compliment for you.
What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders
Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care
What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?
Today 26 July 2016
He learned to crawl long distance. First time ever! He crawled from the mattress to my feet while I was cooking. Btw, i cooked egg cabbage and fried cencaru today.
Decluttered, cleaned the house. But still not happy inside. There's something about this life.
Later today I had this image of future Alex asking me about his dad.
'Is he a bad person?' he asked.
'Towards me, yes. In general, he's a very kind person. Towards you, he's an amazing dad. He loves you to death.'
'If he's an amazing dad, why did you leave him? Why did you sacrifice my happiness?'
So, what if one day we'll have this conversation? The blame would definitely be on me. He'd try to stay away from me. And he'd rebel against me.
But again I cannot stand with this man. Unless he change. I cannot tolerate with his stupidity anymore. He is the kind of person who'd never be stable. He never liked anything that he owns. Today he broke his Iphone again. Because he wanted to show his anger. He slammed it on the floor. You know what, some people would rather go hungry to save money for Iphone. But he threw it away so many times. Only because he hates the company. It's an Iphone for goodness sake. If i got something that does not belong to me. I would definitely take care of it even more. But he, he's just different. He has his own way to show protest. To rebel. Which in the end would trouble him anyway.
Stupid, stupid, stupid man.
I have never been ambitious as this before. All my life I just wanted to be a stay at home mom. But now life has take a different turn.
I can't wait to start building my life.
-License first.
-Business with lots of dropships.
-Then piano class for Alex.
-Will never marry again.
Fuck men and family institution. I can still get up early in the morning. Make breakfast for my son. Send him to school.
Going into my craft/office room. Handling business there. Be there until afternoon. Pick my son up from school.
Simple lunch. Send him to piano class. Back to business. Coffee from my coffee machine in between.
At night spend my time on the treadmill. Run for a few miles. Take a nice warm bath with fragrant oils from the purifier. Put on my white sleeping gown. Pick up my knitting/crochet project. Or a nice book. Then fall asleep before midnight. Wonderful.
When I go out, I'd do a simple makeup on my ageless face. Dewy and glowy. Put on a nice outfit with elegant bracelets/bangles/watch, beautiful necklace as well. Spray on the most sophisticated smell of perfume from my perfume cupboard. Head out the door with nice shoes. Then drive my luxury car.
When I walk people turn their heads to take a second glance at me. Me and Alex will have conversations in perfect English and everyone would be at awe when they saw us together.
My life would be perfect. Only me and Alex in this world. And that's enough for me.
If i ever need a man. Ok. A new man every month. Or maybe every week. That should be fine.
Again and again i gave him a second chance. Over and over again he hurt me, he belittle me. He does not deserve it. He is just a weird human being.
If I live in another country and I missed my country, i would bring my country with me. My food, my spirit, my culture.
Other Iranians celebrate nowruz despite being far. But him? Nothing.
Other Iranians cook their own food. Him? Can't cook. Don't even know the name of food. Never asked me to cook. But complains can't stand this can't stand that.
He said I'm fat. I had difficulty giving birth to my son. Other women do it in half an hour. Only one push. What kind of a man would say that to his wife who risk her life to give him a son??
One day. One fine day, i will leave him.
Me and my siblings. We have nothing in common. But i have to live with them. I have to.
I hope one day I'll get the chance to spread nice dinner on the table with nice sets of dishes. Complete with a nice dessert afterwards. For my family.
-Hair is getting thicker
-Started to climb here and there especially on me when I lay down. Also in the bath tub
-Learned to throw balls. And like to be cheered up (yay!! and clap at his throws)
-He finally knows how to move forward while lying on his belly (belly crawl)
Understands most words but he can't talk yet.
Learned this morning he knows what toys word really means. I never specifically teach him that word. But surprisingly he knows.
Can differentiate Apple and Orange but he hates carrot so usually he ignored carrot though I know he knows carrot.
I am the captain of my ship.
I am the master of my fate.
Get away from people that will tear you down.
APPRECIATION
Letter for yourself. Congratulate yourself for your achievement.
Cos nobody's gonna do that for you.
The reason is obviously not his looks. It's his character. Even when I chatted with him I felt like I was talking to an Indian.
Unsure of everything (autistic)
-While he's cooking, he'd open every cabinets doors to find a pan. Even though, he must've known that pans are all under the sink. Or, looking everywhere for eggs when he must've known that the eggs are at the middle drawer.
Shaking
-His nerves are really weak. He is constantly shaking. Even when he does simplest job ever like wiping his own hands from sauce.
That is not cool for a man. He looks very weak and stupid. Like a coward or criminal when the police stopped you.
http://bunnymummy-jacquie.blogspot.my/2014/11/little-sunburst-square-photo-tutorial.html?m=1
He never finished food in his plate. Never!
He likes to waste money on expensive food.
Even from the start only I (capital i) know the truth. Only I know what's really going on. I am gifted at reading people so for sure i know better. The reason I married this monster was because i listened to the craps outsiders told me. If I've listened to my gut, none of this would've happened.
This morning my father called and asked to talk to him. I shouldn't have handed the phone over to him. He hated my father. We knew that. And his reaction was zero. He put the phone on the floor and that's it. I lost a big deal to this stupid man. Oh my god, can you believe it? That loser on the internet who fell madly in love with me could treat me this way?? Seriously.
As a woman i have a soft heart. But he is wrong now and he won't accept his fault. I must leave this man. That's the only way to teach him a lesson.
He treated me so wrong. What he did today:
Shouted at me so many times.
I didn't cook, he smashed things, making loud noise while cooking. Then he shouted at me said i am proud. I fucked his life.
Then when he wanted to wash dishes he smashed something so loud, baby cried at the sound of it.
After taking shower, he smashed something again, so very loud. I couldn't help but gave him a sharp stare. He asked why I didn't clean my hair in the shower. Actually it's not about the hair that he's angry about. It's because I didn't wash his clothes. Lmao.
This is what we called, people changed after getting married. I never cleaned my hair in the shower (i do but maybe after 2 months it gets collected but I eventually cleaned)
It was ok to him before.
Why? Because he still loved me. Still can't say harsh things to me. Now I've got a baby. He thinks I'm useless. I will cling to him forever. Nobody wants me anymore. I can't flirt with anyone anymore. So he's in secure position. Very safe. Well one day I'll prove him that I still got some spice in me. And I will make him feel sorry.
Still remember the notes I made in the hotel 2 ++ years ago? To remind my future self not to marry this asshole?
Well, i ignored it so I fell onto this shitpile. And I'm living this hell life now. We yell at each other every night.
I'm really gonna leave tomorrow. Earliest bus would be at 9 o'clock in the morning. So i should be leaving earlier.
I can't live with this man anymore. He constantly blaming me for everything. Especially when it has something to do with our son. Babies.
I just can't take it anymore. I tried to be positive about our future but I give up. He can't cooperate. He is just weird.
He is just autistic. For real!
At one point i think this is a lesson in life that I won't get if i married a wonderful man.
This man makes me feel very less about myself. He embarrassed me. He bring shame to me. He is nothing to be proud of. Wherever i go his image brings me down. This makes me feel like i should improve myself. I shouldn't depend on him.
His capabilities make me want to achieve more in life. Without him:
1. I'll learn how to drive
2. Earn my own money
3. Live my dream life
4. Drive a nice car
5. Give the best of everything to my son
6. Find a stable boyfriend
This man, he embarrasses me everytime. I don't wanna be seen with him. He has no style. No class. He has no confidence. So many reasons. He is not the right one for me.
I know Iranians. Those that I've seen in my life, they're stylish and confident. The way they look at others, they stand out and shine. But my husband he is not that Iranian. He is the Indian version of Iranian. One day I'll leave him. For sure. Its not like i didn't try to fix him. I tried but he refused to work with me. He never agreed to any of my opinions. He has his own idea about things. And his opinion is very weird and autistic.
Maybe one day I'll find a better husband for myself. Maybe this is a start of something awesome. When he goes to shipping I'll start this new life!
Those who tagged me on instagram are cheap. They are sluts and they could easily be bought. So i should treat them as I like.
Who would have thought that one day, I'll have a son and still living with my parents.
Maybe one day in future I would say, who would've thought one day I'd been divorced and stay in kampung. Without money. My son speaks malay. But call me mummy like a high class person. His race is Turkish. At school people laugh at him for being different. For having no father to look after him.
15/4/2016
Baby first upper tooth appeared. On the right side. He keeps grinding it.
This feelings i feel only I can feel. Only i know and cannot be described. It only comes only when I'm alone. Can't be shared. Can't be expressed. Can't be explained.
Fear
Of leaving home. Me and Alex both felt like we belong to this house. To this family. To this way of life. He grew up here. I'm afraid to make a change for him. What if he doesn't like it? What if he get homesick?
I lost that feeling to have a home for my son. I lost that feeling of wanting to live in a home that runs by me.
Being with you means
I signed up for an uncertainty.
I will constantly live in fear of being left.
To face loneliness.
Life without future.
Unpredictable.
Everything I do, i do it for him. Every decisions I make, i think about him.
Sometimes I'm tired of all this. I wish I could fix everything by sending you away. At least one human is saved. You'll be happy without us. Even through difficulties, we can't entertain you. We're still not enough to make you forget about the pain.
Tonight, we had hot cocoa by the fire in our backyard patio. The crisp warm summer air made it a thousand more beautiful.
We sat on the chair lined with blanket. My other half invited me onto his laps. We cuddled and talked about the garden. How I wanted him to arrange the bokchoy into positions. Wouldn't it be nice if we had patches of it along our path ways?
Dim light shines through from the inside of our home. I glanced at it once in awhile to check on Alex's sound. My baby is fast asleep.
Can communicate by saying uppah. Means up in kelantanese.
When he sees someone walk by he'd say pah pah pah.
Words he could intentionally pronounce:
- Uppah
- Abe
- Kipah
He started saying bababa. I think around 6 months and 2 weeks.
He could sit without support. But always fall over.
I'll have a lot of money to spend.
People will admire me.
People will respect me.
I don't have to face those faces i hate.
I don't have to put up with shits i don't like.
I'll have control over things in my life.
I deserve a quiet simple life. Where my husband provides for our family while i stay home taking care of my kids.
A husband that is strong with determination. Protective towards us. Emotionally stable and can stand anything that comes his way.
I'll stay home. Decorating the home. Drink coffee under the blanket. Being cozy while reading books.
Car broke down. He used bus. He said people called him Pakistani.
He should learn something about class. He is not classy.
Divorce. He can't be changed. He's low class. If I can't get along with that person, i tend to cut him off of my life. So that's what i wish i could do.
If he is classy, he should buy a new car. Being stylish. Be confident.
Can't eat our food. Learn to cook.
Can't live here. Find a way to get us out of here.
If customer try to get an upper hand, i should take over with a QUESTION.
It's okay. Don't get upset. One day I'll get used to it. It's okay for customers to get upset with you. At least they give you money.
I'm wondering why those who are with me will lost their direction in life. Like they don't know what to do with their life. They don't know where to go. That don't have goals. Nothing to achieve. Their life becomes empty. But once they lost me everything turns alright.
Should i be alone for the rest of my life?
For forcing me to hang out with people I don't like. It's not fun being home. When your mother always fight for money. Always hungry for your money.
When your mother is a dirty hoarder and there's no way you can correct her. The house is dirty and so full of shits. Try to correct her, she'll have a fight with you endlessly.
Fuck.
The best way to treat your baby's crusty scalp is this baby hair brush.
I used this cheap plastic brush. About 10 minutes through his bath time, when the scalp is soaked and soft, i started brushing the crusty spot. 2 minutes later, voila! Crusty gone!
It worked wonders.
Some women said they couldn't sleep at night because their baby kicks a lot.
Looking at my baby, I'm so grateful to have this well mannered baby. In my tummy, outside, he's still a good boy. At least, when he's with me. Now I'm afraid about influence he get from outside.
Bullied by house owner. It happened two times now. Well my husband got bullied all the time by everyone. He's a slow learner and I suspect him for having autism. I mean he's really slow in learning new things, and he always have a hard time remembering something. Not that he's stupid. He is not stupid. He's excellent at some things like engineering stuff, mathematics.
I don't know. Malaysians suck. It's frustrating how we always bumped into dishonest people. Especially for my foreign husband. I feel really bad for him. Now he's gone. It will be a long separation. And i kind of doubt it that we'll ever be together again.
