after the rain

That lazy morning after the rain. There’s something about the vibe. The very air that you breathe is heavy. Full of moisture. You’re feeling like you don’t wanna do anything. You touch things and you put them back. You just want to sit and be lazy. Scrolling through the Instagram which is the biggest waste of life ever! I prefer hot weather these days. Isn’t it weird? I grew up loving everything about the rain. But now it’s such a turn off for me. I prefer hot crisp weather. You can do anything in the sun. Hang your clothes. Gardening. Drink icy drinks. Walk everywhere without being worried about stepping into the mud. (In my garden)

injured left eye

Eventful day of our life. 8.30 am m was doing his electrical work. Suddenly we heard the sound ‘pop!’ Then he called honey!

I was cracking eggs in the kitchen. 5 eggs. 2 for me. 3 for them. Wanted to make tomato and eggs for their breakfast. 

I ran to the room with my rubber slippers. Thinking maybe he got caught in live wire. When i went inside, he was holding his left eye. He went outside. I saw this white spot on his iris. Like a cloud. He said he couldn’t see then he started crying.

Everybody thought he has lost his eye. At that time i said at least you still have one eye left. I said let’s go to hospital.

In the car he said i did many bad job to you. I treat you bad. I have a son. I can’t find job anymore. Then he could see light. At the hospital, doctor washed his eye then he could see his hand. 10.30 i went home to collect all our things. But 12 o’clock he said he can go home. That’s it.

Thank god. Now day 3. He could see better. Just need to constantly wash the eye and put antibiotics and medicine.

ducks and chicken

Just a quick note to tell you guys how stupid it is to grow chicken and ducks and not getting profit out of it. We got 100 something ducks they're laying eggs. But you know how much they're paying? 45 cents. Each. What the heck right!

So we're selling them all. 9.5 ringgit each. At least they'll stop sucking money from us.

eid adha

There’s a reason why I’ve always hated eid celebrations. Next year i want to go somewhere else, don’t wanna be home. 

I’m nobody when I’m home. I’m better being mysterious. Me and m is just a bad combination.

If i ever find someone again, i want someone who has same likes as me. At least we can share our ideas.

- reading (so we could talk about books together)

- business (so we would be rich together)

- travelling (so we could plan together)

- clingy (so we would always be together never part)

- cooking (so he could cook for me)

- talkative so I won’t be quiter

r broke her hand

- people would blame us cause it happened in our room

- r is stubborn, crying non stop, very spoilt

- I wasn’t there cause i cared cos if it happened to us, z won’t be as concerned. for sure.

- I neglected my own child for her child

- I wanna be away so much. Not because I don’t wanna help but because of how insignificant my presence was.

- I should prioritise a more than anything

- shouldn’t be desperate for friends like what m was aiming for. Cause r is a bad influence 

- a is a sponge and he absorbed everything he saw

- we should be away from here

- at least not together like this

- i love a more than anything in the world

- he’s so naive and when he’s around people can’t help feeling so hateful towards him cause he is so not into the situation

- he doesn’t know what’s going on. He thinks it’s okay to always be funny and smiling. 

- we should put him away from everyone. You want friends you go find them at school 

pms-ing

lately my pms is getting so out of hand. i hate talking about pms cause it's stupid and sounds like im just looking for an excuse and thats lame. but, im a woman so it is a part of me. my temper is super short and i am hot all the time. my hormone is rocketing high and i just wanna feel better.

the thing about my pms is i have almost zero tolerance with everything and i just wanna be alone by myself. today r threw one big bar on a's back. he was extreme pain when i grabbed him. my mother was not doing anything. if it was her favourite granddaughter, she'd shout at us like crazy. for sure.

random talks

GAY HOME BAKER
saw a very talented baker on ig. the way he edited his videos and his taste in photography is amazing. and im sure he can cook too. he has a good reputation on ig with many followers/ buyers. the problem is, most hiv carriers in my country are gay. how do i know if he's gay? right now he's on a vacation with male friends only and they look 100% gay to me. sooo if i could, i just want to advice people to please think twice before buying anything from him.

homemaker brain

sipping my matcha. the i think how romantic it would be if i grind my own matcha. on a second thought, i'm gonna have to grow them myself. then steam them, dry them then grind. and then what if i am not forever healthy? what if one day i can't walk? then being a homemaker is a really scary thought cause that means you'll have to work very hard and be fit. i don't know future and i just wanna make sure that everything would be okay. even if i'm at the worst state of my being.

7.7.2020

1. what happened?
 - today i spent lots of money paying for A's fee. Been feeling negative when i looked at the teacher cause i haven't paid the fee yet. But when i opened orbit, turned out they've taken down all the payment regquirements in pkp. Well, no one would pay anyway. And it's fair! Second, i paid prudential. Then the biggest sucker of them all, car insurance! Platinum is RM950 + RM80 roadtax.

- yesterday we sent A to school for the first time after pkp. We fixed his teeth so we have no worries anymore. Then we went to jpj to renew M's license. So far i feel lighter as the burdens have lifted off my shoulders. We went to Kak N's house to visit Amn who broke his thigh in the accident. Donated RM50 and i think it made them happy. That made me happy and relieved too cause they always behave as though i am owing them something cause they're the ones who bail us out of jail. But anyway i'll keep donating if they're in any sort of situation cause i dont wanna owe no one. And i cant stand it when people look at me and expecting me to bow down at them cause i OWE them.

2. relationship with my husband is shitty right now. He kept complaining on the way to school until we almost hit another car. Then complained again on the way home after fetching A from school cause his ducks are outside in the rice field and that motherfucker is poisoning the snails. Sooo, complain. Keep complaining. One thing that snapped my patience was when i wanted to call my mother and asked her to help. He said no need, she already washed many things. He kept saying that my mother always washes for us and we never helped. Well, i have thousands of things to say and reply to him. Like, you as a man should give me a house, provide me a space of my own so i could clean my own home. Have my own space to be however i wanna be. To do whatever i wanna do. Grow and teach my son, have so much time in hand and be so organized. So many points to argue. But i chose to shut my mouth cause if i did, he'd hang himself dead.

- my mother - shes been feeling painful on the left leg so i massaged her. i do have this feelings that she doesnt like me. her bad words kept repeating in my head, like that one time she told A, no you can't take anything in the shop cause your father didn't leave any money to me. When i repeat those words in my head, i would have this sudden heat rise up to my head. Anger. Why dont you ask your favourite daughter to massage you?

- my son - we've been good. Not being angry with him for a long time. He's playful, love to tease. And i like that about him. Being palyful and teasing is really important for a boy. That means he has a good sense of humour. I hope he'll keep being this funny.

- my siblings - Okay. Z and K are not talking because of parking. And i dont really care about it.

- my niece - Okay.

3. no trouble that keeps repeating. Just have this urge to write so much! I want to write a story. And i dont mind if nobody reads it. I just want to let it out of my head.

4. talk of the town right now and my opinion?
people are arguing about rapist. like who you should put the blame on. it is not an issue at all for me. woman can dress however they like. they dont touch no one. it's the rapist who went over the boundary and assaulted her. simple. why do we call them the rapist? cause they did the action. they raped!

5. my discovery/ new knowledge?
cant think of one right now. 

depressing ramadan

we're one week away from hari raya. i have a garden. a backyard farm full of animals. but they failed to provide us with money. ducks are laying 9 pcs of eggs a day. we have 100 of them and they're demanding just too much food every single day.

the problem with us is definitely organization. we're a mess. we don't have a chart or timetable. we just go by with nature. but again i can't handle everything. i have so many accounts to administere. instagram - 2 business accounts, 1 personal account. facebook - 2 accounts.

as a mother now i don't really get depressed easily cause i can handle anything with positive thinking. but when it comes to money, you can't help but feel miserably hopeless. i just hope that we'd find a stable second income from m. though i pretty much think it's just a beautiful thinking cause he is really not a business person and he is totally mentally unstable.

is that true? having a garden and touching soil would keep stress at bay? i don't think so. maybe it helps a little bit. but without money it just can't help you in any way.

post kenyir

cant sleep at all. my tonsil is killing me. breathing is uncomfortable. swallowing is difficult. my body aches everywhere. my right shoulder for sleeping on the right side. my left upper knee for using that mucle a lot mostly for swimming and going up and down the stairs.

am i a stupid mother for worrying too much about people who scold your son. this morning i didnt see what happened but a was scolded by my cousin for beating up r. that fight is definitely started by r. which is a total ahole. she's too cunning and smart for that age. but she always started the fight. so what my cousin said was, hey, dont do that to r! i felt really bad for my son.

11.9.2014

My husband didnt come home for lunch today. Said its busy there in the office. I feel stuck here. Bored to death. There are food in the kitchen but i shouldnt eat. Cos this is the best time for me to skip meal. Though it wont shed a kilo of me. But, i dont know. Feels good to torture myself like this. -__-

I just finished watching Black Book movie which i just made a review just now.  Lately i feel so lazy to cook. Maybe because we dont have much variety to cook? I dont know. I basically cook the same thing. We cant buy too much grocery because our fridge is very freaking small. Verrrryyyyyy small. You cant put nothing in there!

But i try to make do with it. One chicken and a few fishes. I also need to buy veggies that can survive long storage time. Like cabbage, carrots, cucumber, aubergine and tomatoes. I love green veggies like kangkung, sawi and salad. But too bad we can never have them unless its the day of our shopping.

Today i cooked sambal goreng. And thats it. No chicken no fish. Im dying to put them in my mouth. Tempted!! But i have to wait for him to come home. Two hours more. T__T

From 2016 - my upbringing

Growing up I grew up free. No guidance or anything from anyone. My mother was too busy working. Many little siblings to take care of. Nobody had time to spend on me. To show me how to be a loving kind human. Nobody taught me how to be well behave. They only teach me religion. Well when you talk about religion, especially Muslims, most important things are just praying and fasting. Not becoming a good human.

I grew up with my younger sister. One old younger. And, i bullied her a lot. In our little shared room, everything in it belonged to me. I dominated everything. Because of this strong character, i stood out more than her. I was the queen of the family. Everybody listened to me. And the world revolved around me.

WRITING AGAIN

been thinking sbout this for so long. i loved my life back then when i had a routine of writing. i would write everyday. despite being busy or tired. what i did back then, i must do now. so i would have a peace of mind. right now, i have no one to talk to. everything gets bottled up inside it drives me nut. there are so many things i could talk about. that i could share with myself. i need to do this on a computer cause that would be a proper mood setting for me to start writing. what can i talk about? of course the thing that happened around me, that challenged my mood most, the event that keeps repeating and haunting me in my head, exploration/adventure i did or new knowledge i learn/discover. that would be better and more intelectualistic.

1. what happened?
 - today
- yesterday

2. relationship?
- my husband
- my mother
- my son
- my siblings
- my niece

3. troubles my head?
- a thought that keeps repeating

4. talk of the town right now and my opinion?

5. my discovery/ new knowledge?

7 Jan 2020

Finally a is at school. Its his first week of school.