Ugly Wife

So I am not pretty. I have a kind heart though. And even though i'm ugly, at least i have him, compared to others who are not married. He's surrounded by pretty young girls and he's thinking of probability of one of them falling in love with him.

 

Preparations for newborn

1. Breastfeeding. Very important. Make yourself ready for this. Not as easy as you might thought. Your current nipples will be gone. Your nipples will get a new look. It'll be sore for a few days. Second, if you have inverted nipples, start preparing now. Get those nipples out. Buy yourself a tool to suck it out. Do it!! I have this problem. My left nipple is inverted. Now i only feed my baby with my right boob. And my left boob is noticeably smaller than the right one.

2. Formula milk. Buy one small packet for emergency. I couldn't feed my baby the first night we're home. It was awkward. I didn't know how to make him latch. I was tired from the labour. So my baby cried out of hunger. You don't wanna let your baby suffer like that.

3. Jaundice. Like it or not, baby will get jaundice. It was difficult. This new person in your life. You're still getting used to him. You want all those moments to be cool and relaxing. But you cannot. Because you have to worry about him. You need to bring those bilirubin level down. So be prepared to WAKE YOUR VERY SLEEPY BABY every two hours and force feed him 2 oz of milk. Every two hours! It'll happen at 3rd or 4th day. Nurse would force you to bring him to hospital and would come all the time to check on him. The pressure from them just killing me. So, give him as much milk as you can. Once he get used to being fed a lot, he'll request for more milk. His jaundice will be gone. Then he'll start gaining more weight.

4. Episiotomy cut. Take care of it. Dab that flavine on it. Make sure your stools are soft. If you have to take laxative, then do it. Anything. Second night home, i was constipated in the toilet. Result from the pushes - my cut was swollen, blood was dripping from it as I push my stool out. The cut was really swollen.

5. Episiotomy cut really takes away all the joy of being a new mom. Your moves are slow, limited. You can't breastfeed your baby the way you want. Can't hold him the way you want. I think giving birth vaginally and ceasarian is not much different anymore. Vaginally is more damaging. Seriously it is. You have a scar down there. Your vagina is not the same anymore. It changes forever.

Mistake ii

My husband is having a bad time in kulim now. His life is a mess. It made me think that I'm worthless. I cause trouble. I am trouble.

But the truth is, i could have different fate if I didn't marry him. I could've gone to another country. Live with another man. And now I can tell different story instead of this one I'm writing.

Him. If he married a woman from the Philippine. He'll have the same fate. He'll get married. Start all over again. Search for job. Fit in new country. Fit in new work environment. Discrimination.

My son is not a mistake. I've always wanted a child. Even before I got married, I always think of getting someone to impregnate me. Then I'll take care of the kid alone. I just want to have a kid. This is the kid that I've always wanted.

But now that I have a child, my life ends here. I don't think anyone can easily accept me and my son into their life. Sucks.

Depression

Got a baby in my arms. So beautiful, so healthy and perfect. He's everything i've ever wanted. I should be feeling happy. But that feeling is not around. I dont feel happy at all. So many thoughts came into my mind.

1. Husband left for work after day 4.
2. Nurses visits to home.
3. Baby's name on registration.
4. Our family future.
5. Uncertainty.

1. Husband left after 4 days baby arrived. This is the biggest downfall. I needed him the most at this time. I've been living without him for one month. And i keep saying all of this will be over (i mean after baby arrived, things will be ok) but he need to leave again. And it just gets worse. I cried on the day he left and the days after. I had the biggest meltdown. I threw my anger at him. I am so full of frustrations.

2. Nurses visits. I really dont need them coming. Especially when they're ridiculously stupid to give me advises. I can learn on my own. They come almost everyday. Then, they'll advise you on things that professionals shouldn't. They judged you personally. And that is just depressing. It's like having police coming to your house. You dont do anything wrong but their visits are so unwelcome.

3. Baby's name on registration. His name was registered in the style that was not intended to be. He has no surname. How crazy that is?? It's my husband's fault. I wish i can scream on his face. I wish i can ask him to make everything right again. My baby's name. My life.

4. Our family future. It's all about his job. He doesn't like it here in my country. He can never fit in. So after one year, he decided to go back to ship. Going back to ship means leaving me and our son for 6 months. I cannot imagine how it will be like. Living like that. I have to admit, maybe it was my fault. I encouraged him. The reason is i feel pity. He got bully at his workplace. People dont respect him. He's constantly depressed. As someone who loves him, i cannot bear seeing him like that. So, i encouraged him to apply for shipping job again. Now, one company spoke to him and they're already talking about contract. It's almost certain. He'll be going for 6 months. After 6 months, our son is already big. He'll lose the time seeing him growing up, building up characters, learning, first milestones of his life.

5. Uncertainty. When i first met him, i wanted stability from him. He said he can give me stability. But now it's already one year and a half. Things are still the same. In fact, it's getting worse. We don't have a house. No car. No place to call home. He doesn't even has a stable job. What kind of life is that?

Mistake

Son, when I decided to have you I've always wanted the best for you. I don't want to make mistake for you. But only a few days after you were born, we, the parents already made the biggest mistake ever for you.

It was your name. Sweetheart, how I regret having your name to be registered that way. I regret. I'm so sorry. You deserve a perfect life. But i can't even give you a nice name.

Maybe it's your dad's fault. It is. But how can I rely on him. He's just weird like that. We can't change him.

One week

Son, it has been a week. 3.50 am in the morning I'm writing this. You are in your grandmother's arms right now. Being sooth by her. Sometimes you cry.

Exactly at this time, one week ago I was in so much pain giving birth to you. Your dad was by my side. I was given pethidine and I fell asleep. Until now my injection area is still numb.

Tonight, I'm still in a battle. You got jaundice and I'm trying hard to get you free from it. I force feed you every 2 hours. Though most of the time you were sleepy, but i tried anyway to feed you.

I still remember a few hours after delivery. I was in trauma. It was like a nightmare. I was sleepy the whole day my head was dizzy. It was uncomfortable. And I decided i won't get pregnant again. I don't want to go through this again. But looking back at those moments, now I have a different thought on the experience. I would go through all that again just to have you. I would do anything for you son. Anything. Happy one week old sweetheart.

I love you.

Busy?

Feeling emotional these last days of pregnancy. Is it hormone? On a brief thought, i will blame it on my husband.

When i didn't care, he also chose not to care. As a woman, i also like the idea of him reading my mind. Every woman wants a mind reader man. Dont they?

Maybe he's busy with work. But yesterday was his off day. He didn't even send me message. No calls.

I became very sensitive. I dont know why. Like everything is wrong. I get offended very easily. I want my husband around. But he's just too busy.