Kimi

My childhood relative he is our second cousin. He is 10-12 years younger than me. I watched him growing up. In my head he is still that clueless little child under the protection of my grandparents. I left home when he was still at primary. So in my memory he is always wearing that school uniform. Looking away with a shy smile when our gazes locked. Last week he came to me asking for a job. I gave him the job. But i was not serious about it. I looked down on how serious he is about the job.

Sometimes there's job for him sometimes there's none. yesterday he came and i gave him rm70. Later that day i found that he went to mydin with his mother, shopping with the money i gave him. This event touched my heart like nothing else ever. How big is the meaning of rm70 for some people who has none. And how big is this motivation for him.

he came here with his bicycle asking for a job! that was so shocking! but today he wanted to hang himself. fighting over something with his mother. i somehow felt that it must be related to me. i promised to give him somthing yesterday but the pin ahsnt arrived so i didnt call. i shouldve just called and gave him somthing else instead. i always haeve it in my head but ithout action. 

20/3/2022

first time came to see me

rm50

rm30

rm100

rm70

i need to work harder so i could help him. he need to buy a phone. i saw he has plan with the garden. he bought a lorry of soil but the one that arrived is sand. anyway.. they have nothing else but that plot of land to work on. i will teach him how to open a shopee account and help him sell. one day he'll stand up on his own feet and he will sell lots of plants.

Can’t Sleep

My husband is in his home country. I’ve been relying on my sister to drive my son to school. We both fell asleep early tonight cause we want to wake up early tomorrow. He’s having a photoshoot session tomorrow. But at 12 she called saying that she just finished movie in a city 3 hours away from home. So she’s asking if it’s okay to skip school tomorrow. I would definitely say it’s okay. But now i am so full of guilt. What kind of a mother am i who can’t even drive her son to school???

My Best Friend

 Just realised that my one and true friend since childhood is not a human. But writing. I’ve always been writing. But since i knew d i stopped. I wish i would go back to writing but i know i won’t. I put too much trust in writing and my secrets spilled out like water.

How i hate my husband. I wish I’d always remember how he hates here and i wish i could easily move on and forget him. He’s so useless and stupid. He’s the source of all the problems. I’m right now at the state where I’m suspecting to be pregnant. If i am really, I’m at 3 weeks now.

Everything that comes out of his mouth pierces like knife. Today s topic: what makes you happy? I was expecting a house or a peaceful life. But instead- i  wish  i live in an environment where the people don’t make fun of you. Humiliate you. Well this is Kelantan. This is where you wanna be the first place. You sent us here!

Even if we were in penang you’d say I ruined your life. Motherfucker!

Remember

Reason why i don’t like to write anymore is my brain  has found a new way of coping with issues and troubles. I shut them up and pretend it never happened. 

So many things happened these few days. I went to kl. He handled my business. he suddenly felt like he had better idea on how to handle things. He wanted to change i manage and organise. So he decided he’d build a new rack.

Interstate travel is allowed. We went to waterfall. He drowned and all men laughed at him. This one triggered the worst episode of anxiety and depression in him.

He bought pallets to build rack. When he was hitting the hammer to remove the nails, he fought with this old woman, pakhims wife. I interfered. Big fight started. I didn’t talk to him for days. He expected me to accept everything he did. Though he did something wrong.

We made up. But today we went to beach. Both abe came along. One alza over take from the left side. M wanted to turn left, but didn’t see the alza. So the alza was really in shock and really angry. It wasn’t really his fault cause we wanted to exit but we drive on the right lane. He shouted at us. Then this event  like brought  him to another dimension. He’s unhappy and not talking. We went to beach and he’s still sulking. 

I asked my sister to come and join us cause i know it’ll be very dull with him. 

You have no idea how much i hate him. I wish i could hurt him and beat the shit out of him. He is so fucking annoying. He’s thinking i shouldn’t question his decision. I have thousands of words but i choose to swallow them up cause if i triggered him, he’ll explode and give hell to all of us. I want myself to always remember this.

Next month when he left for iran, please ignore him and please remember of all the trouble and shame he has brought to us. Life is better without him. I should drive the car cause it’s only the driving i can’t do. If i drive, everything will be fine. Sis thank 

Evil Man

I was video calling  my family on  the phone while my evil genius niece and my son playing. The niece love to grab things from my son’s hand cause she think people always win her. I was pointing the camera on her. Suddenly my husband grab the toy away from her. The call went silent and suddenly my mother start talking about something else. They noticed it and i felt really bad.

I hung up. Then fight started. It all started when i showed him a video of my niece sneakily hurt my son. I love my son with all my heart but I’m not like him. So full of rage and so out of control. This little girl is only 4 but she’s very talented to be a pick pocket / bigger criminal .

Anyway there’s nothing i can do about that. I can’t change her. The only thing i can do around her is to be smart. Just as smart as her. Not against her or anything cause she’s very good at telling people everything you did to her.

While this stupid old man last night i spoke to him for about an hour. The whole talk is so negative! I felt so very exhausted. My blood pressure really went up cause everything that he said i have to swallow up and not answering back.

He’s an asshole and i have come to a conclusion where i shouldn’t or should never have any conversation with him cause i gain nothing from it. Not any information, not any knowledge. Just headache and more problems.

Proof My Mother Hates My Son

 Today, A was playing with phone. Then R take candy. My mother said, don’t go to him. Don’t bother him. You’ll fight. Don’t go to him. Go to your auntie.

My Mother hates A

When my mother is there with them, R and A always fight. Cause it’s obvious the way she chooses side. She’d always chose her side and save her. ALWAYS

A is awkward with her. I will save my son. I will take him out one day. 

Salty Fish

 Tired of my mother’s salty fish. She is not a good cook cause she doesn’t even know the science or the relation of each of the ingredients she used. But really hate the fish she cook and she’s very confident - would never let me cook. I wish one day she’d know that it’s not okay to put that much salt in your fish. And marinating a fish is not relevant at all. Because nobody marinate fish!! But again i don’t have the heart to tell this to her. Just keep wishing she’d realise this herself

self hate

Self hate.

So cliche but if you go deep into it and grab its root then you’d understand what it really is.

Why i hate myself?

I gave up. Because i know i will always be this weak person. Some people they’re strict and classy and know how to be around people. But l will never be that person. I am always weak and I’ll always hide. I don’t know how to  change myself so that’s why i hate it.

Why weak?

Cause i have low self esteem. Like i wont be listened to when i speak. Nobody likes to hear my ideas or opinions. So i shut myself up. 

Why low self esteem?

Maybe cause I’m ugly as fuck. I am that person who like to have control of things. If there’s one thing I can’t control is how people behave around me and my body shape. I am so out of shape and i feel so ugly.

5 y 4 m

When you play with abe and r, you’d scream a lot cause you wanted to be heard. 

You’re is just like me. Struggling to be heard. At the end i shut myself up cause no one understands me. You have too much of me in you. I don’t want your flame to burn out. I want it to keep lighting up. 

guilty mom

Angry at a today. Screamed and yelled at him. Cause he messed up the inner in the scarf room. Now I’m afraid. What if he grow up and have brain disorder cause i always get angry at him? What if he had no self confidence. How very little time i spent with him everyday. Made me feel like a very bad woman

rain and flood

again i have something to complain about the rain. the heavy air and the moisture. too much moisture everywhere. and the ac is not working cos m is so fucking LAZY to drag his ass and work. he is so super lazy and literally did nothing but watching his phone and eat.

today i asked him to drive me to watch the flood. he said now where are we going. he obviously using that annoyed tone. then we drove to the beach. there was nothing there. i tried to hold a conversation with him but he was quite the whole time. no respond. nothing. no wonder i became so quite staying with him. he was so fucking quite and mute. i lost so much confidence back then because i was in a prison-like state. so alone with no one to talk to.

after the rain

That lazy morning after the rain. There’s something about the vibe. The very air that you breathe is heavy. Full of moisture. You’re feeling like you don’t wanna do anything. You touch things and you put them back. You just want to sit and be lazy. Scrolling through the Instagram which is the biggest waste of life ever! I prefer hot weather these days. Isn’t it weird? I grew up loving everything about the rain. But now it’s such a turn off for me. I prefer hot crisp weather. You can do anything in the sun. Hang your clothes. Gardening. Drink icy drinks. Walk everywhere without being worried about stepping into the mud. (In my garden)

injured left eye

Eventful day of our life. 8.30 am m was doing his electrical work. Suddenly we heard the sound ‘pop!’ Then he called honey!

I was cracking eggs in the kitchen. 5 eggs. 2 for me. 3 for them. Wanted to make tomato and eggs for their breakfast. 

I ran to the room with my rubber slippers. Thinking maybe he got caught in live wire. When i went inside, he was holding his left eye. He went outside. I saw this white spot on his iris. Like a cloud. He said he couldn’t see then he started crying.

Everybody thought he has lost his eye. At that time i said at least you still have one eye left. I said let’s go to hospital.

In the car he said i did many bad job to you. I treat you bad. I have a son. I can’t find job anymore. Then he could see light. At the hospital, doctor washed his eye then he could see his hand. 10.30 i went home to collect all our things. But 12 o’clock he said he can go home. That’s it.

Thank god. Now day 3. He could see better. Just need to constantly wash the eye and put antibiotics and medicine.

ducks and chicken

Just a quick note to tell you guys how stupid it is to grow chicken and ducks and not getting profit out of it. We got 100 something ducks they're laying eggs. But you know how much they're paying? 45 cents. Each. What the heck right!

So we're selling them all. 9.5 ringgit each. At least they'll stop sucking money from us.

eid adha

There’s a reason why I’ve always hated eid celebrations. Next year i want to go somewhere else, don’t wanna be home. 

I’m nobody when I’m home. I’m better being mysterious. Me and m is just a bad combination.

If i ever find someone again, i want someone who has same likes as me. At least we can share our ideas.

- reading (so we could talk about books together)

- business (so we would be rich together)

- travelling (so we could plan together)

- clingy (so we would always be together never part)

- cooking (so he could cook for me)

- talkative so I won’t be quiter

r broke her hand

- people would blame us cause it happened in our room

- r is stubborn, crying non stop, very spoilt

- I wasn’t there cause i cared cos if it happened to us, z won’t be as concerned. for sure.

- I neglected my own child for her child

- I wanna be away so much. Not because I don’t wanna help but because of how insignificant my presence was.

- I should prioritise a more than anything

- shouldn’t be desperate for friends like what m was aiming for. Cause r is a bad influence 

- a is a sponge and he absorbed everything he saw

- we should be away from here

- at least not together like this

- i love a more than anything in the world

- he’s so naive and when he’s around people can’t help feeling so hateful towards him cause he is so not into the situation

- he doesn’t know what’s going on. He thinks it’s okay to always be funny and smiling. 

- we should put him away from everyone. You want friends you go find them at school 

pms-ing

lately my pms is getting so out of hand. i hate talking about pms cause it's stupid and sounds like im just looking for an excuse and thats lame. but, im a woman so it is a part of me. my temper is super short and i am hot all the time. my hormone is rocketing high and i just wanna feel better.

the thing about my pms is i have almost zero tolerance with everything and i just wanna be alone by myself. today r threw one big bar on a's back. he was extreme pain when i grabbed him. my mother was not doing anything. if it was her favourite granddaughter, she'd shout at us like crazy. for sure.

random talks

GAY HOME BAKER
saw a very talented baker on ig. the way he edited his videos and his taste in photography is amazing. and im sure he can cook too. he has a good reputation on ig with many followers/ buyers. the problem is, most hiv carriers in my country are gay. how do i know if he's gay? right now he's on a vacation with male friends only and they look 100% gay to me. sooo if i could, i just want to advice people to please think twice before buying anything from him.

homemaker brain

sipping my matcha. the i think how romantic it would be if i grind my own matcha. on a second thought, i'm gonna have to grow them myself. then steam them, dry them then grind. and then what if i am not forever healthy? what if one day i can't walk? then being a homemaker is a really scary thought cause that means you'll have to work very hard and be fit. i don't know future and i just wanna make sure that everything would be okay. even if i'm at the worst state of my being.