depressing ramadan

we're one week away from hari raya. i have a garden. a backyard farm full of animals. but they failed to provide us with money. ducks are laying 9 pcs of eggs a day. we have 100 of them and they're demanding just too much food every single day.

the problem with us is definitely organization. we're a mess. we don't have a chart or timetable. we just go by with nature. but again i can't handle everything. i have so many accounts to administere. instagram - 2 business accounts, 1 personal account. facebook - 2 accounts.

as a mother now i don't really get depressed easily cause i can handle anything with positive thinking. but when it comes to money, you can't help but feel miserably hopeless. i just hope that we'd find a stable second income from m. though i pretty much think it's just a beautiful thinking cause he is really not a business person and he is totally mentally unstable.

is that true? having a garden and touching soil would keep stress at bay? i don't think so. maybe it helps a little bit. but without money it just can't help you in any way.

post kenyir

cant sleep at all. my tonsil is killing me. breathing is uncomfortable. swallowing is difficult. my body aches everywhere. my right shoulder for sleeping on the right side. my left upper knee for using that mucle a lot mostly for swimming and going up and down the stairs.

am i a stupid mother for worrying too much about people who scold your son. this morning i didnt see what happened but a was scolded by my cousin for beating up r. that fight is definitely started by r. which is a total ahole. she's too cunning and smart for that age. but she always started the fight. so what my cousin said was, hey, dont do that to r! i felt really bad for my son.

11.9.2014

My husband didnt come home for lunch today. Said its busy there in the office. I feel stuck here. Bored to death. There are food in the kitchen but i shouldnt eat. Cos this is the best time for me to skip meal. Though it wont shed a kilo of me. But, i dont know. Feels good to torture myself like this. -__-

I just finished watching Black Book movie which i just made a review just now.  Lately i feel so lazy to cook. Maybe because we dont have much variety to cook? I dont know. I basically cook the same thing. We cant buy too much grocery because our fridge is very freaking small. Verrrryyyyyy small. You cant put nothing in there!

But i try to make do with it. One chicken and a few fishes. I also need to buy veggies that can survive long storage time. Like cabbage, carrots, cucumber, aubergine and tomatoes. I love green veggies like kangkung, sawi and salad. But too bad we can never have them unless its the day of our shopping.

Today i cooked sambal goreng. And thats it. No chicken no fish. Im dying to put them in my mouth. Tempted!! But i have to wait for him to come home. Two hours more. T__T

From 2016 - my upbringing

Growing up I grew up free. No guidance or anything from anyone. My mother was too busy working. Many little siblings to take care of. Nobody had time to spend on me. To show me how to be a loving kind human. Nobody taught me how to be well behave. They only teach me religion. Well when you talk about religion, especially Muslims, most important things are just praying and fasting. Not becoming a good human.

I grew up with my younger sister. One old younger. And, i bullied her a lot. In our little shared room, everything in it belonged to me. I dominated everything. Because of this strong character, i stood out more than her. I was the queen of the family. Everybody listened to me. And the world revolved around me.

WRITING AGAIN

been thinking sbout this for so long. i loved my life back then when i had a routine of writing. i would write everyday. despite being busy or tired. what i did back then, i must do now. so i would have a peace of mind. right now, i have no one to talk to. everything gets bottled up inside it drives me nut. there are so many things i could talk about. that i could share with myself. i need to do this on a computer cause that would be a proper mood setting for me to start writing. what can i talk about? of course the thing that happened around me, that challenged my mood most, the event that keeps repeating and haunting me in my head, exploration/adventure i did or new knowledge i learn/discover. that would be better and more intelectualistic.

1. what happened?
 - today
- yesterday

2. relationship?
- my husband
- my mother
- my son
- my siblings
- my niece

3. troubles my head?
- a thought that keeps repeating

4. talk of the town right now and my opinion?

5. my discovery/ new knowledge?

7 Jan 2020

Finally a is at school. Its his first week of school.

DIALECT VS OFFICIAL BM

I think its time for me to write something about this. it is so annoying listening to people around me speaking in kl dialect. We are here in kelantan. Why cant you speak kelantanese? I really HATE it when people fake their dialect on social media. Especially around young kids. Like to prove that youve been speaking that way with them since forever. Man, if you wanna be different and special. teach them another language. teaching them to speak in another language doesnt make them any special or intelligent. I grew up speaking kelantanese. At 7 years old, i need to write sentences in proper bm, no problem at all!

Dont really know how to stop people from thinking this way. But i hope one day theyll understand that speaking kl doesnt make you a prodigy. When i went to a's school for registration. I explained to her how a cannot speak bm at all. Didnt mean to brag at all. Then i said, but his grandmother speak kelantanese with him. And her face was like "huh?". But we dont teach kelantanese in this school. We teach them proper bm. So what? I thought in my head. When i went home, i recalled this scene in my head. And i realized how she belittled us for speaking kelantanese in our household. Shit!