Places to Visit

I should never use my toddler as an excuse not to travel. I have places i want to visit and stopping myself from going there because of him is really lame.

Island
How i miss swimming with fish. The salty scorching air. The smell of the sea. Staying in a raft house. That is my dream.

1. Pulau Redang
2. Langkawi
3. Pulau Tioman

Ancient Sites
The only problem is with dragging baby along. He'll get bored. Then, the problem with hubby's visa.

1. Angkor Wat
2. Taj Mahal
3. Great Wall of China

Lavender Farm
I can do it in my husband's country. One day i'll do it.


Africa 
A tour around Africa. This is a must. I'll let my hair free and be very carefree exploring the ancient continent. Can't wait for it. I'll force my hubby to drag me along.

Tanzania, Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia and Kenya


Peninsular Malaysia
All states. One night at a time.

20.2.2017 Monday 3.16 am

The weather outside is hot i guess. Because inside this room it's quite steamy.

Today we went to Thailand with my sisters. Was super gassy in the car. Went to pasar malam and didnt buy much. But ended up buying kerabu sotong and a few boneless ayam goreng. Alex ended up eating only grapes for dinner.

I did not cook anymore when i'm home. I didnt do any chores anymore apart from cleaning up my room. I have no dream of creating anything. My life is super not productive at home. Only great at gaining weight. I lost the track of time. And my life is a messy blob.

Current entertainment for me would be the movies on fmovies.se. So far i've watched Passenger, Moana, Sold and Lion. They're all nice movies. I dont have any favourite song at the moment. I am not actively reading anything now. But i always have a dream to finish reading Pride and Prejudice. Just found out that it's not that complicated to understand.

Relationship with people around me are not good. Not good at all especially with my parents. I am a very useless person. My mood is very bad after i failed the test with jpj. I am constantly angry, feeling stupid, awkward, shameful and ugly. All i could think about is just having another life. A life where i could be myself. Free and independent like how i've always been.

Last night was spent watching Lion. Had trouble to fall asleep just like tonight.

Highlight of yesterday would be visiting Pattani.

One thing i'm thankful for is definitely my son. He is everything.

My fear would be my own character. This evening i asked for direction from a woman on the roadside. I was the one asking but she looked away from me, refused to make eye contact and just keep talking to my sisters at the driver seat and the one at the back. I'm sure the problem is not with her but with myself. Why she didn't like to make eye contact with me? I felt very useless and unattractive. I know i must do something to fix this but i just dont know how.

Single

When I was single I had nothing. Lived in lies. Mysterious. But people thought I was awesome. I had a great life.

Now my life is under supervision of everyone. They judge they advise, they judge they belittle. I have nothing.

But oh, i got the greatest gift of all. Alex. I shouldn't matter about anything else.

Housewife

It is not my fault to dream of becoming a housewife. Maybe the problem is with myself. I want to shut everyone away.

Poor Alex. I should at least change Myselff for him.

What Should I Do

Plan A:
Lose weight
Marry another man

Plan B:
Learn how to drive
Have a business
Life changed

7.9.2016 / Wednesday

It's 2.49 pm now. Alex is taking his second nap. Outside, the weather is sunny. But somehow the breeze is cool. It has something to do with the ocean i guess.

We had french toasts for breakfast. Alex didnt seem to like it. So i cooked korak morgh earlier. Quickly fed him that just as soon as it's cooked.

I felt really good today as i've cleaned up the praying room. Man, it was super greasy! Has something to do with direction of the wind. It carries all the oil from cooking out of its window. Anyway, i've cleaned it all up and i'm closing it at all times now. Even Moji seems to understand my intention. He close it while praying and he even closed it once he finished. Awesome.

I am really thinking of making a birthday card for Alex. I know it's passed. But why not. He'll read it later anyway. I'm thinking of something watercolor and simple. But sweet and artistic. I'll look it up online soon. However it is, i want it to be original. I mean not copying anyone's design.

I am still listening to Harry Potter. Chapter 8. Lost interest after Harry entered school. I think it has something to do with the amount of characters in it. Too much to memorize and it cluttered my mind. I dont like it when it makes mess like that. But anyhow i'll continue listening anyway. Not a big task. Just listen...

Last night i go to bed late, watching Spy. Boring at first. But after all the fighting ended, it was just getting more and more exciting. Very good movie. Extremely funny and give you good feeling after finished watching. Highly recommended. Before that in the evening i watched The Bucket List. Also a good movie. Not boring at all. Recommended as well!

My relationship with Alex is nice. He is very loving towards me but he has that boundary when it comes to me. He understands that i wont always listen to him no matter how much he pushed me. But with Moji he simply just pull Moji's fingers and automatically daddy will follow your back. He'll carry daddy everywhere he wants to go. He said daddy a few times during mojis lunch break. Surprised to see daddy home.

 Highlight of yesterday would be the movies i watched. Especially the Spy.

Things i'm thankful for: my husband.

My fear, bad news from moji cos he always has bad news.

6 Sept 2016 Tuesday

It was raining this morning. Outside is still gloomy. Very beautiful weather. Woke up this morning feeling super cozy and nice. Too bad Moji has to go to work. Would be perfect to be cuddling, three of us under the blanket. Alex is taking a nap. It's 11.40 am now.

I made telur masak kicap for breakfast. 3 eggs! Thought of keeping one for lunch. But, oops i ate it all. Alex seemed to like it. Overall i think our breakfast was nice. I've always loved telur kicap.

I just finished cooking bawal stim for lunch. Moji brought home 2 pcs of bawals yesterday. RM12! Super pricey for quite small sized fish. Hope it would turn out good. I could smell the fishy smell. I didn't bother to wash it with lemon juice. My bad!

Chores i'd love to do. Hmmm, lazy like always. Maybe sweep up the floor, fold the mattress and just clear out the view here.

Creating something. Nope. Not thinking of creating anything.

I am currently obssessed with Harry Potter. I'm on book 1, chapter 6. I liked it already. Have been listening to it for 3 days already. I wish one day Alex would read this book. It is perfect for kid's imagination, i guess.

My relationship with Moji is ok. With Alex has always been ok. I just want to spend more time playing with him. I have this idea in my head where i want to create a safe place for him to play in nature. I want him to have the childhood i had. But the world is not as safe as back then. He can't just go out and play in parit. In that case, i will create a parit all for himself to play in. A garden for him to mess with so he could play with dirt. Knowing the insects learn how to garden. Touching flowers, seeds and leaves. That means a lot to me. Haven't talked this out with Moji yet. But even if he knows, I am the one who needs to do something about it.

Last night was windy. Cool and super nice. Very nice. I slept at 1.30-ish am listening to Harry Potter. My last search on google was small chicken coop. Yep, i'll never stop dreaming about having a garden.

Highlight of yesterday would be the weather last night. Very cozy night. Made me hungry.

If there's one thing i'm thankful for today, that would be thankful for my one year old baby. And for my hardworking husband who is everything to me.

My troubles and fear would be immigration for renewing Moji's visa. Afraid of meeting that gorilla. And also Alex's vaccination which will happen this week.