eid adha

There’s a reason why I’ve always hated eid celebrations. Next year i want to go somewhere else, don’t wanna be home. 

I’m nobody when I’m home. I’m better being mysterious. Me and m is just a bad combination.

If i ever find someone again, i want someone who has same likes as me. At least we can share our ideas.

- reading (so we could talk about books together)

- business (so we would be rich together)

- travelling (so we could plan together)

- clingy (so we would always be together never part)

- cooking (so he could cook for me)

- talkative so I won’t be quiter

r broke her hand

- people would blame us cause it happened in our room

- r is stubborn, crying non stop, very spoilt

- I wasn’t there cause i cared cos if it happened to us, z won’t be as concerned. for sure.

- I neglected my own child for her child

- I wanna be away so much. Not because I don’t wanna help but because of how insignificant my presence was.

- I should prioritise a more than anything

- shouldn’t be desperate for friends like what m was aiming for. Cause r is a bad influence 

- a is a sponge and he absorbed everything he saw

- we should be away from here

- at least not together like this

- i love a more than anything in the world

- he’s so naive and when he’s around people can’t help feeling so hateful towards him cause he is so not into the situation

- he doesn’t know what’s going on. He thinks it’s okay to always be funny and smiling. 

- we should put him away from everyone. You want friends you go find them at school 

pms-ing

lately my pms is getting so out of hand. i hate talking about pms cause it's stupid and sounds like im just looking for an excuse and thats lame. but, im a woman so it is a part of me. my temper is super short and i am hot all the time. my hormone is rocketing high and i just wanna feel better.

the thing about my pms is i have almost zero tolerance with everything and i just wanna be alone by myself. today r threw one big bar on a's back. he was extreme pain when i grabbed him. my mother was not doing anything. if it was her favourite granddaughter, she'd shout at us like crazy. for sure.

random talks

GAY HOME BAKER
saw a very talented baker on ig. the way he edited his videos and his taste in photography is amazing. and im sure he can cook too. he has a good reputation on ig with many followers/ buyers. the problem is, most hiv carriers in my country are gay. how do i know if he's gay? right now he's on a vacation with male friends only and they look 100% gay to me. sooo if i could, i just want to advice people to please think twice before buying anything from him.

homemaker brain

sipping my matcha. the i think how romantic it would be if i grind my own matcha. on a second thought, i'm gonna have to grow them myself. then steam them, dry them then grind. and then what if i am not forever healthy? what if one day i can't walk? then being a homemaker is a really scary thought cause that means you'll have to work very hard and be fit. i don't know future and i just wanna make sure that everything would be okay. even if i'm at the worst state of my being.

7.7.2020

1. what happened?
 - today i spent lots of money paying for A's fee. Been feeling negative when i looked at the teacher cause i haven't paid the fee yet. But when i opened orbit, turned out they've taken down all the payment regquirements in pkp. Well, no one would pay anyway. And it's fair! Second, i paid prudential. Then the biggest sucker of them all, car insurance! Platinum is RM950 + RM80 roadtax.

- yesterday we sent A to school for the first time after pkp. We fixed his teeth so we have no worries anymore. Then we went to jpj to renew M's license. So far i feel lighter as the burdens have lifted off my shoulders. We went to Kak N's house to visit Amn who broke his thigh in the accident. Donated RM50 and i think it made them happy. That made me happy and relieved too cause they always behave as though i am owing them something cause they're the ones who bail us out of jail. But anyway i'll keep donating if they're in any sort of situation cause i dont wanna owe no one. And i cant stand it when people look at me and expecting me to bow down at them cause i OWE them.

2. relationship with my husband is shitty right now. He kept complaining on the way to school until we almost hit another car. Then complained again on the way home after fetching A from school cause his ducks are outside in the rice field and that motherfucker is poisoning the snails. Sooo, complain. Keep complaining. One thing that snapped my patience was when i wanted to call my mother and asked her to help. He said no need, she already washed many things. He kept saying that my mother always washes for us and we never helped. Well, i have thousands of things to say and reply to him. Like, you as a man should give me a house, provide me a space of my own so i could clean my own home. Have my own space to be however i wanna be. To do whatever i wanna do. Grow and teach my son, have so much time in hand and be so organized. So many points to argue. But i chose to shut my mouth cause if i did, he'd hang himself dead.

- my mother - shes been feeling painful on the left leg so i massaged her. i do have this feelings that she doesnt like me. her bad words kept repeating in my head, like that one time she told A, no you can't take anything in the shop cause your father didn't leave any money to me. When i repeat those words in my head, i would have this sudden heat rise up to my head. Anger. Why dont you ask your favourite daughter to massage you?

- my son - we've been good. Not being angry with him for a long time. He's playful, love to tease. And i like that about him. Being palyful and teasing is really important for a boy. That means he has a good sense of humour. I hope he'll keep being this funny.

- my siblings - Okay. Z and K are not talking because of parking. And i dont really care about it.

- my niece - Okay.

3. no trouble that keeps repeating. Just have this urge to write so much! I want to write a story. And i dont mind if nobody reads it. I just want to let it out of my head.

4. talk of the town right now and my opinion?
people are arguing about rapist. like who you should put the blame on. it is not an issue at all for me. woman can dress however they like. they dont touch no one. it's the rapist who went over the boundary and assaulted her. simple. why do we call them the rapist? cause they did the action. they raped!

5. my discovery/ new knowledge?
cant think of one right now.