Together

Looking back at the video of me and baby coming here to kulim, it looked so uncertain. So bad feelings. But after some times living here, turned out it's not that bad. Afterall, it's always better living with my husband. No matter how bad the condition is. We've got each other.

Moving

My husband found a house. So we moved there on 18. My husband moved first with his car. Then me, baby and my parents followed about one hour later. The feelings was uncertain. A little bad feeling. But mostly I'm glad cos this is what I want.

I still remember the weather that day. It was really nice. Rain in rantau panjang. Then the beautiful forests on our sides. Fogs. My father stopped at one place to poop, then we saw a wild boar.

When we arrived i found that the house is smaller than I expected. As we're cleaning, i felt good because this is a home. This is where our little family gonna stay. Lack of everything. But it's where we belong.

Now i just put my baby down to sleep. He doesn't like endoi this afternoon. He's sleeping on the floor with me. I really want to take a nap. Noticed this black ring around my eyes. I've never had it my whole life.

I miss my parents. They're kind. Especially my mother. She's an anchor. She's so strong she can do anything. She helped us a lot. She helped with baby. It's as if she's the mother of my child. I only breastfeed him. But she does the rest. Now that she's not here, i need to learn to do everything myself. Giving my baby a bath was a challenge. I did it with my husband the whole time. Thank God baby didn't cry. But now my cold heart understands how important my mother is to me. How kind and selfless she is. I can never be that kind of mother. I wish I inherit her kindness, but too bad I am not gifted with it.

Ugly Wife

So I am not pretty. I have a kind heart though. And even though i'm ugly, at least i have him, compared to others who are not married. He's surrounded by pretty young girls and he's thinking of probability of one of them falling in love with him.

 

Preparations for newborn

1. Breastfeeding. Very important. Make yourself ready for this. Not as easy as you might thought. Your current nipples will be gone. Your nipples will get a new look. It'll be sore for a few days. Second, if you have inverted nipples, start preparing now. Get those nipples out. Buy yourself a tool to suck it out. Do it!! I have this problem. My left nipple is inverted. Now i only feed my baby with my right boob. And my left boob is noticeably smaller than the right one.

2. Formula milk. Buy one small packet for emergency. I couldn't feed my baby the first night we're home. It was awkward. I didn't know how to make him latch. I was tired from the labour. So my baby cried out of hunger. You don't wanna let your baby suffer like that.

3. Jaundice. Like it or not, baby will get jaundice. It was difficult. This new person in your life. You're still getting used to him. You want all those moments to be cool and relaxing. But you cannot. Because you have to worry about him. You need to bring those bilirubin level down. So be prepared to WAKE YOUR VERY SLEEPY BABY every two hours and force feed him 2 oz of milk. Every two hours! It'll happen at 3rd or 4th day. Nurse would force you to bring him to hospital and would come all the time to check on him. The pressure from them just killing me. So, give him as much milk as you can. Once he get used to being fed a lot, he'll request for more milk. His jaundice will be gone. Then he'll start gaining more weight.

4. Episiotomy cut. Take care of it. Dab that flavine on it. Make sure your stools are soft. If you have to take laxative, then do it. Anything. Second night home, i was constipated in the toilet. Result from the pushes - my cut was swollen, blood was dripping from it as I push my stool out. The cut was really swollen.

5. Episiotomy cut really takes away all the joy of being a new mom. Your moves are slow, limited. You can't breastfeed your baby the way you want. Can't hold him the way you want. I think giving birth vaginally and ceasarian is not much different anymore. Vaginally is more damaging. Seriously it is. You have a scar down there. Your vagina is not the same anymore. It changes forever.

Mistake ii

My husband is having a bad time in kulim now. His life is a mess. It made me think that I'm worthless. I cause trouble. I am trouble.

But the truth is, i could have different fate if I didn't marry him. I could've gone to another country. Live with another man. And now I can tell different story instead of this one I'm writing.

Him. If he married a woman from the Philippine. He'll have the same fate. He'll get married. Start all over again. Search for job. Fit in new country. Fit in new work environment. Discrimination.

My son is not a mistake. I've always wanted a child. Even before I got married, I always think of getting someone to impregnate me. Then I'll take care of the kid alone. I just want to have a kid. This is the kid that I've always wanted.

But now that I have a child, my life ends here. I don't think anyone can easily accept me and my son into their life. Sucks.