Evil Man

I was video calling  my family on  the phone while my evil genius niece and my son playing. The niece love to grab things from my son’s hand cause she think people always win her. I was pointing the camera on her. Suddenly my husband grab the toy away from her. The call went silent and suddenly my mother start talking about something else. They noticed it and i felt really bad.

I hung up. Then fight started. It all started when i showed him a video of my niece sneakily hurt my son. I love my son with all my heart but I’m not like him. So full of rage and so out of control. This little girl is only 4 but she’s very talented to be a pick pocket / bigger criminal .

Anyway there’s nothing i can do about that. I can’t change her. The only thing i can do around her is to be smart. Just as smart as her. Not against her or anything cause she’s very good at telling people everything you did to her.

While this stupid old man last night i spoke to him for about an hour. The whole talk is so negative! I felt so very exhausted. My blood pressure really went up cause everything that he said i have to swallow up and not answering back.

He’s an asshole and i have come to a conclusion where i shouldn’t or should never have any conversation with him cause i gain nothing from it. Not any information, not any knowledge. Just headache and more problems.

Proof My Mother Hates My Son

 Today, A was playing with phone. Then R take candy. My mother said, don’t go to him. Don’t bother him. You’ll fight. Don’t go to him. Go to your auntie.

My Mother hates A

When my mother is there with them, R and A always fight. Cause it’s obvious the way she chooses side. She’d always chose her side and save her. ALWAYS

A is awkward with her. I will save my son. I will take him out one day. 

Salty Fish

 Tired of my mother’s salty fish. She is not a good cook cause she doesn’t even know the science or the relation of each of the ingredients she used. But really hate the fish she cook and she’s very confident - would never let me cook. I wish one day she’d know that it’s not okay to put that much salt in your fish. And marinating a fish is not relevant at all. Because nobody marinate fish!! But again i don’t have the heart to tell this to her. Just keep wishing she’d realise this herself

self hate

Self hate.

So cliche but if you go deep into it and grab its root then you’d understand what it really is.

Why i hate myself?

I gave up. Because i know i will always be this weak person. Some people they’re strict and classy and know how to be around people. But l will never be that person. I am always weak and I’ll always hide. I don’t know how to  change myself so that’s why i hate it.

Why weak?

Cause i have low self esteem. Like i wont be listened to when i speak. Nobody likes to hear my ideas or opinions. So i shut myself up. 

Why low self esteem?

Maybe cause I’m ugly as fuck. I am that person who like to have control of things. If there’s one thing I can’t control is how people behave around me and my body shape. I am so out of shape and i feel so ugly.

5 y 4 m

When you play with abe and r, you’d scream a lot cause you wanted to be heard. 

You’re is just like me. Struggling to be heard. At the end i shut myself up cause no one understands me. You have too much of me in you. I don’t want your flame to burn out. I want it to keep lighting up. 

guilty mom

Angry at a today. Screamed and yelled at him. Cause he messed up the inner in the scarf room. Now I’m afraid. What if he grow up and have brain disorder cause i always get angry at him? What if he had no self confidence. How very little time i spent with him everyday. Made me feel like a very bad woman