self hate

Self hate.

So cliche but if you go deep into it and grab its root then you’d understand what it really is.

Why i hate myself?

I gave up. Because i know i will always be this weak person. Some people they’re strict and classy and know how to be around people. But l will never be that person. I am always weak and I’ll always hide. I don’t know how to  change myself so that’s why i hate it.

Why weak?

Cause i have low self esteem. Like i wont be listened to when i speak. Nobody likes to hear my ideas or opinions. So i shut myself up. 

Why low self esteem?

Maybe cause I’m ugly as fuck. I am that person who like to have control of things. If there’s one thing I can’t control is how people behave around me and my body shape. I am so out of shape and i feel so ugly.

5 y 4 m

When you play with abe and r, you’d scream a lot cause you wanted to be heard. 

You’re is just like me. Struggling to be heard. At the end i shut myself up cause no one understands me. You have too much of me in you. I don’t want your flame to burn out. I want it to keep lighting up. 

guilty mom

Angry at a today. Screamed and yelled at him. Cause he messed up the inner in the scarf room. Now I’m afraid. What if he grow up and have brain disorder cause i always get angry at him? What if he had no self confidence. How very little time i spent with him everyday. Made me feel like a very bad woman

rain and flood

again i have something to complain about the rain. the heavy air and the moisture. too much moisture everywhere. and the ac is not working cos m is so fucking LAZY to drag his ass and work. he is so super lazy and literally did nothing but watching his phone and eat.

today i asked him to drive me to watch the flood. he said now where are we going. he obviously using that annoyed tone. then we drove to the beach. there was nothing there. i tried to hold a conversation with him but he was quite the whole time. no respond. nothing. no wonder i became so quite staying with him. he was so fucking quite and mute. i lost so much confidence back then because i was in a prison-like state. so alone with no one to talk to.

after the rain

That lazy morning after the rain. There’s something about the vibe. The very air that you breathe is heavy. Full of moisture. You’re feeling like you don’t wanna do anything. You touch things and you put them back. You just want to sit and be lazy. Scrolling through the Instagram which is the biggest waste of life ever! I prefer hot weather these days. Isn’t it weird? I grew up loving everything about the rain. But now it’s such a turn off for me. I prefer hot crisp weather. You can do anything in the sun. Hang your clothes. Gardening. Drink icy drinks. Walk everywhere without being worried about stepping into the mud. (In my garden)

injured left eye

Eventful day of our life. 8.30 am m was doing his electrical work. Suddenly we heard the sound ‘pop!’ Then he called honey!

I was cracking eggs in the kitchen. 5 eggs. 2 for me. 3 for them. Wanted to make tomato and eggs for their breakfast. 

I ran to the room with my rubber slippers. Thinking maybe he got caught in live wire. When i went inside, he was holding his left eye. He went outside. I saw this white spot on his iris. Like a cloud. He said he couldn’t see then he started crying.

Everybody thought he has lost his eye. At that time i said at least you still have one eye left. I said let’s go to hospital.

In the car he said i did many bad job to you. I treat you bad. I have a son. I can’t find job anymore. Then he could see light. At the hospital, doctor washed his eye then he could see his hand. 10.30 i went home to collect all our things. But 12 o’clock he said he can go home. That’s it.

Thank god. Now day 3. He could see better. Just need to constantly wash the eye and put antibiotics and medicine.

ducks and chicken

Just a quick note to tell you guys how stupid it is to grow chicken and ducks and not getting profit out of it. We got 100 something ducks they're laying eggs. But you know how much they're paying? 45 cents. Each. What the heck right!

So we're selling them all. 9.5 ringgit each. At least they'll stop sucking money from us.