Wednesday | 7 aug 2019 | 5.50pm

Weather is super cloudy since morning. I didn’t go out at all since tragedy with my neighbour’s family. Hate to see the villagers. Everytime they looked at us, there’s something in their eyes and minor expressions of their face just says it all. So we (me and my husband) just avoid going out at all - around the house i mean.


This morning i ate turmeric fried rice my mother made. I fried one onion and an egg to it. Honestly I can’t remember what Alex ate today. See how disconnected we are? This is the very thought that haunts me right now. What should i do to be more close to him. I feel extremely bad for him. I guess the only way is to just toss the phone aside for a few hours a day and just pay 100% of my attention to him.


I just finished cooking pasta for hubsy. As he said we should have a meal schedule so alex won’t miss his meals anymore. So this is a start. Tomorrow I’d cook something for breakfast cos my mother never cooks breakfast.

No chores. I was thinking to wash clothes. But the thought of going out and hanging them is putting me off. I’ve been thinking of doing it later after writing this. Then I’ll hang them outside in the dark. Where no one could see me. Fuck them


My body is not in a good shape at all. All I’ve know is i weigh around 87-91kg since ramadan.

I just want to write something about everything since last week. So here i am now. Pouring my heart out on this phone.

Not watching any movies or songs or books right now. I tried. But 5 mins into the movie I’d lost interest. Fav song would be heimweh. It’s a treasure i found hidden in the files. What a nice song to listen to.


Relationship with my hubs is okay. With alex is really bad. I got mad at him everyday. Mostly cos he doesn’t understand my order. Or he refused to listen/obey. He’d make mess. Turn over the rubbish in the bin. Yesterday i tore down the scoop he was playing. And he was really heartbroken. He sobbed like crazy showing how important that is to him. How could i?!! I torn it apart right in front of his eyes, right within his grasp! Such a terrible mother I am! When we were in kapas i decided to tell people he’s 3 instead of 4. Cause i have this thought in my head that it’s embarrassing to tell people he’s 4 because his ability is very limited. Just like a 2 1/2 year old kid. I potty trained him two times. And both times he peed in his pants. Just couldn’t do it at all. Didn’t understand the concept and i was just disappointed.

Last night we went to bed early around 11. We went out for dinner outside. We had nan bread. Alex slept all the way there. We put him on the table the we brought him home. He slept until morning. He skipped his dinner.

Highlight of yesterday would be shipping process. How busy we were preparing for the orders. We earned 800 yesterday alone. 🙏

One thing i'm thankful for today, my family. They stood with me through the fights.

I fear the future. Alex school especially. I’m afraid he couldn’t communicate. And what if he create problems at school? I’m afraid this world is too much for him. I’m afraid he can’t fit it. I just want the best for him. Enough if he could be independent. Loved by everyone. Be a bright kid with bright future. Happy of his place. Feeling enough with everything he has. Just happy.

how to reverse kidney disease

Stop animal protein altogether. Including milk &  egg. Plants based are all okay.

Stop potassium/ eat low potassium fruits.

First of all cure your diabetes don’t eat the medicine.

Take supplements izumio & superlutein

business

It’s been one year since i started the business. Roughly my income this year is around 84k. So so proud of myself. Only one year it took to change a person and our whole life as a family. I’ve gained so much confidence. I gave little to no fucks to damn people no more. I’ve NO time to think about others. Life has been busy. Days are filled with activities. It has empowered me soooo much!

Next year i am finally gonna set foot in turkey. I have many more dreams to achieve. 

Along the way in this one year period I’ve realised how things changed. Like i have less time with my baby. We read less books. I spent more time on the phone. I wish i could manage my time better. 

My hope for next year i want to expand my business. More ds. Better tricks and strategies. To teach my baby how to talk. To spend more time with him.

topics that excites me

Mummies

Ancient civilisations 

Genetics

self employed

It’s everyone’s dream to own a business and be their own boss! But when you’re really self employed and online based. You’d become too afraid to leave your job.

Because:

- no one can really take your place

Lazy

Another crazy unfortunate thing that a woman could have is a husband who laid on his back 24 hours a day leaving comments on social medias. Super loud with opinions but actually   zero in person. No job. No ambition. Bringing me down when i shared my dreams with him. Not agreeing with every decisions i make. Fuck you man.

Wean Off

Started out with uncomfortable feeling when he nurse. I felt angry at him for hurting me. But it’s not fair to be angry at him.

So on 18th of march, i rubbed garlic on my boob. It worked. It puzzeled him for a few seconds then he asked for milk.

It took him a looong time to go to sleep. The next day 19th of march during his nap time i did the same with garlic. It convinced him this time that nene is icky. 

He couldn’t sleep. So i took him out and we played. Bring him inside and watch blippi.

Finally at 5 pm i grabbed him into my hug the he looked really sleepy. He cried when turn off blippi on the tv.

But as soon as i put him down on the bed and rubbed his legs. He quickly falls asleep. My poor poor child 😢

At night of 19.3 he stopped asking for nene. It’s incredible. Only two times of garlic!

I love you baby. I’ll always love you. It’s been 2 years 6 months + of breastfeeding and now us the time to stop.

It does make you sad when you think about it. But don’t be because it has to happen. There’s nothing dramatic about it. I love you baby 💋