Can’t Sleep

My husband is in his home country. I’ve been relying on my sister to drive my son to school. We both fell asleep early tonight cause we want to wake up early tomorrow. He’s having a photoshoot session tomorrow. But at 12 she called saying that she just finished movie in a city 3 hours away from home. So she’s asking if it’s okay to skip school tomorrow. I would definitely say it’s okay. But now i am so full of guilt. What kind of a mother am i who can’t even drive her son to school???

My Best Friend

 Just realised that my one and true friend since childhood is not a human. But writing. I’ve always been writing. But since i knew d i stopped. I wish i would go back to writing but i know i won’t. I put too much trust in writing and my secrets spilled out like water.

How i hate my husband. I wish I’d always remember how he hates here and i wish i could easily move on and forget him. He’s so useless and stupid. He’s the source of all the problems. I’m right now at the state where I’m suspecting to be pregnant. If i am really, I’m at 3 weeks now.

Everything that comes out of his mouth pierces like knife. Today s topic: what makes you happy? I was expecting a house or a peaceful life. But instead- i  wish  i live in an environment where the people don’t make fun of you. Humiliate you. Well this is Kelantan. This is where you wanna be the first place. You sent us here!

Even if we were in penang you’d say I ruined your life. Motherfucker!

Remember

Reason why i don’t like to write anymore is my brain  has found a new way of coping with issues and troubles. I shut them up and pretend it never happened. 

So many things happened these few days. I went to kl. He handled my business. he suddenly felt like he had better idea on how to handle things. He wanted to change i manage and organise. So he decided he’d build a new rack.

Interstate travel is allowed. We went to waterfall. He drowned and all men laughed at him. This one triggered the worst episode of anxiety and depression in him.

He bought pallets to build rack. When he was hitting the hammer to remove the nails, he fought with this old woman, pakhims wife. I interfered. Big fight started. I didn’t talk to him for days. He expected me to accept everything he did. Though he did something wrong.

We made up. But today we went to beach. Both abe came along. One alza over take from the left side. M wanted to turn left, but didn’t see the alza. So the alza was really in shock and really angry. It wasn’t really his fault cause we wanted to exit but we drive on the right lane. He shouted at us. Then this event  like brought  him to another dimension. He’s unhappy and not talking. We went to beach and he’s still sulking. 

I asked my sister to come and join us cause i know it’ll be very dull with him. 

You have no idea how much i hate him. I wish i could hurt him and beat the shit out of him. He is so fucking annoying. He’s thinking i shouldn’t question his decision. I have thousands of words but i choose to swallow them up cause if i triggered him, he’ll explode and give hell to all of us. I want myself to always remember this.

Next month when he left for iran, please ignore him and please remember of all the trouble and shame he has brought to us. Life is better without him. I should drive the car cause it’s only the driving i can’t do. If i drive, everything will be fine. Sis thank 

Evil Man

I was video calling  my family on  the phone while my evil genius niece and my son playing. The niece love to grab things from my son’s hand cause she think people always win her. I was pointing the camera on her. Suddenly my husband grab the toy away from her. The call went silent and suddenly my mother start talking about something else. They noticed it and i felt really bad.

I hung up. Then fight started. It all started when i showed him a video of my niece sneakily hurt my son. I love my son with all my heart but I’m not like him. So full of rage and so out of control. This little girl is only 4 but she’s very talented to be a pick pocket / bigger criminal .

Anyway there’s nothing i can do about that. I can’t change her. The only thing i can do around her is to be smart. Just as smart as her. Not against her or anything cause she’s very good at telling people everything you did to her.

While this stupid old man last night i spoke to him for about an hour. The whole talk is so negative! I felt so very exhausted. My blood pressure really went up cause everything that he said i have to swallow up and not answering back.

He’s an asshole and i have come to a conclusion where i shouldn’t or should never have any conversation with him cause i gain nothing from it. Not any information, not any knowledge. Just headache and more problems.

Proof My Mother Hates My Son

 Today, A was playing with phone. Then R take candy. My mother said, don’t go to him. Don’t bother him. You’ll fight. Don’t go to him. Go to your auntie.

My Mother hates A

When my mother is there with them, R and A always fight. Cause it’s obvious the way she chooses side. She’d always chose her side and save her. ALWAYS

A is awkward with her. I will save my son. I will take him out one day. 

Salty Fish

 Tired of my mother’s salty fish. She is not a good cook cause she doesn’t even know the science or the relation of each of the ingredients she used. But really hate the fish she cook and she’s very confident - would never let me cook. I wish one day she’d know that it’s not okay to put that much salt in your fish. And marinating a fish is not relevant at all. Because nobody marinate fish!! But again i don’t have the heart to tell this to her. Just keep wishing she’d realise this herself

self hate

Self hate.

So cliche but if you go deep into it and grab its root then you’d understand what it really is.

Why i hate myself?

I gave up. Because i know i will always be this weak person. Some people they’re strict and classy and know how to be around people. But l will never be that person. I am always weak and I’ll always hide. I don’t know how to  change myself so that’s why i hate it.

Why weak?

Cause i have low self esteem. Like i wont be listened to when i speak. Nobody likes to hear my ideas or opinions. So i shut myself up. 

Why low self esteem?

Maybe cause I’m ugly as fuck. I am that person who like to have control of things. If there’s one thing I can’t control is how people behave around me and my body shape. I am so out of shape and i feel so ugly.

5 y 4 m

When you play with abe and r, you’d scream a lot cause you wanted to be heard. 

You’re is just like me. Struggling to be heard. At the end i shut myself up cause no one understands me. You have too much of me in you. I don’t want your flame to burn out. I want it to keep lighting up. 

guilty mom

Angry at a today. Screamed and yelled at him. Cause he messed up the inner in the scarf room. Now I’m afraid. What if he grow up and have brain disorder cause i always get angry at him? What if he had no self confidence. How very little time i spent with him everyday. Made me feel like a very bad woman

rain and flood

again i have something to complain about the rain. the heavy air and the moisture. too much moisture everywhere. and the ac is not working cos m is so fucking LAZY to drag his ass and work. he is so super lazy and literally did nothing but watching his phone and eat.

today i asked him to drive me to watch the flood. he said now where are we going. he obviously using that annoyed tone. then we drove to the beach. there was nothing there. i tried to hold a conversation with him but he was quite the whole time. no respond. nothing. no wonder i became so quite staying with him. he was so fucking quite and mute. i lost so much confidence back then because i was in a prison-like state. so alone with no one to talk to.