How Many Persons Will It Take

What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this

So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

Baby Crawl

Today 26 July 2016

He learned to crawl long distance. First time ever! He crawled from the mattress to my feet while I was cooking. Btw, i cooked egg cabbage and fried cencaru today.

Declutter

Decluttered, cleaned the house. But still not happy inside. There's something about this life.

Later today I had this image of future Alex asking me about his dad.

'Is he a bad person?' he asked.

'Towards me, yes. In general, he's a very kind person. Towards you, he's an amazing dad. He loves you to death.'

'If he's an amazing dad, why did you leave him? Why did you sacrifice my happiness?'

So, what if one day we'll have this conversation? The blame would definitely be on me. He'd try to stay away from me. And he'd rebel against me.

But again I cannot stand with this man. Unless he change. I cannot tolerate with his stupidity anymore. He is the kind of person who'd never be stable. He never liked anything that he owns. Today he broke his Iphone again. Because he wanted to show his anger. He slammed it on the floor. You know what, some people would rather go hungry to save money for Iphone. But he threw it away so many times. Only because he hates the company. It's an Iphone for goodness sake. If i got something that does not belong to me. I would definitely take care of it even more. But he, he's just different. He has his own way to show protest. To rebel. Which in the end would trouble him anyway.

Stupid, stupid, stupid man.

Ambitious

I have never been ambitious as this before. All my life I just wanted to be a stay at home mom. But now life has take a different turn.

I can't wait to start building my life.

-License first.
-Business with lots of dropships.
-Then piano class for Alex.
-Will never marry again.

Fuck men and family institution. I can still get up early in the morning. Make breakfast for my son. Send him to school.

Going into my craft/office room. Handling business there. Be there until afternoon. Pick my son up from school.

Simple lunch. Send him to piano class. Back to business. Coffee from my coffee machine in between.

At night spend my time on the treadmill. Run for a few miles. Take a nice warm bath with fragrant oils from the purifier. Put on my white sleeping gown. Pick up my knitting/crochet project. Or a nice book. Then fall asleep before midnight. Wonderful.

When I go out, I'd do a simple makeup on my ageless face. Dewy and glowy. Put on a nice outfit with elegant bracelets/bangles/watch, beautiful necklace as well. Spray on the most sophisticated smell of perfume from my perfume cupboard. Head out the door with nice shoes. Then drive my luxury car.

When I walk people turn their heads to take a second glance at me. Me and Alex will have conversations in perfect English and everyone would be at awe when they saw us together.

My life would be perfect. Only me and Alex in this world. And that's enough for me.

If i ever need a man. Ok. A new man every month. Or maybe every week. That should be fine.

Unreliable

Again and again i gave him a second chance. Over and over again he hurt me, he belittle me. He does not deserve it. He is just a weird human being.

If I live in another country and I missed my country, i would bring my country with me. My food, my spirit, my culture.

Other Iranians celebrate nowruz despite being far. But him? Nothing.

Other Iranians cook their own food. Him? Can't cook. Don't even know the name of food. Never asked me to cook. But complains can't stand this can't stand that.

He said I'm fat. I had difficulty giving birth to my son. Other women do it in half an hour. Only one push. What kind of a man would say that to his wife who risk her life to give him a son??

One day. One fine day, i will leave him.