Depression

Got a baby in my arms. So beautiful, so healthy and perfect. He's everything i've ever wanted. I should be feeling happy. But that feeling is not around. I dont feel happy at all. So many thoughts came into my mind.

1. Husband left for work after day 4.
2. Nurses visits to home.
3. Baby's name on registration.
4. Our family future.
5. Uncertainty.

1. Husband left after 4 days baby arrived. This is the biggest downfall. I needed him the most at this time. I've been living without him for one month. And i keep saying all of this will be over (i mean after baby arrived, things will be ok) but he need to leave again. And it just gets worse. I cried on the day he left and the days after. I had the biggest meltdown. I threw my anger at him. I am so full of frustrations.

2. Nurses visits. I really dont need them coming. Especially when they're ridiculously stupid to give me advises. I can learn on my own. They come almost everyday. Then, they'll advise you on things that professionals shouldn't. They judged you personally. And that is just depressing. It's like having police coming to your house. You dont do anything wrong but their visits are so unwelcome.

3. Baby's name on registration. His name was registered in the style that was not intended to be. He has no surname. How crazy that is?? It's my husband's fault. I wish i can scream on his face. I wish i can ask him to make everything right again. My baby's name. My life.

4. Our family future. It's all about his job. He doesn't like it here in my country. He can never fit in. So after one year, he decided to go back to ship. Going back to ship means leaving me and our son for 6 months. I cannot imagine how it will be like. Living like that. I have to admit, maybe it was my fault. I encouraged him. The reason is i feel pity. He got bully at his workplace. People dont respect him. He's constantly depressed. As someone who loves him, i cannot bear seeing him like that. So, i encouraged him to apply for shipping job again. Now, one company spoke to him and they're already talking about contract. It's almost certain. He'll be going for 6 months. After 6 months, our son is already big. He'll lose the time seeing him growing up, building up characters, learning, first milestones of his life.

5. Uncertainty. When i first met him, i wanted stability from him. He said he can give me stability. But now it's already one year and a half. Things are still the same. In fact, it's getting worse. We don't have a house. No car. No place to call home. He doesn't even has a stable job. What kind of life is that?

Mistake

Son, when I decided to have you I've always wanted the best for you. I don't want to make mistake for you. But only a few days after you were born, we, the parents already made the biggest mistake ever for you.

It was your name. Sweetheart, how I regret having your name to be registered that way. I regret. I'm so sorry. You deserve a perfect life. But i can't even give you a nice name.

Maybe it's your dad's fault. It is. But how can I rely on him. He's just weird like that. We can't change him.

One week

Son, it has been a week. 3.50 am in the morning I'm writing this. You are in your grandmother's arms right now. Being sooth by her. Sometimes you cry.

Exactly at this time, one week ago I was in so much pain giving birth to you. Your dad was by my side. I was given pethidine and I fell asleep. Until now my injection area is still numb.

Tonight, I'm still in a battle. You got jaundice and I'm trying hard to get you free from it. I force feed you every 2 hours. Though most of the time you were sleepy, but i tried anyway to feed you.

I still remember a few hours after delivery. I was in trauma. It was like a nightmare. I was sleepy the whole day my head was dizzy. It was uncomfortable. And I decided i won't get pregnant again. I don't want to go through this again. But looking back at those moments, now I have a different thought on the experience. I would go through all that again just to have you. I would do anything for you son. Anything. Happy one week old sweetheart.

I love you.

Busy?

Feeling emotional these last days of pregnancy. Is it hormone? On a brief thought, i will blame it on my husband.

When i didn't care, he also chose not to care. As a woman, i also like the idea of him reading my mind. Every woman wants a mind reader man. Dont they?

Maybe he's busy with work. But yesterday was his off day. He didn't even send me message. No calls.

I became very sensitive. I dont know why. Like everything is wrong. I get offended very easily. I want my husband around. But he's just too busy.