Human - Christina Perri

Need to blog about this new finding. I just watched Human - Christinas Perri video musice. It was spectacular. So suble and deep.

I really really really love that knd of creativity. Suits me. I just love it. But on secoond watch - meh... No feelings anymore. :)

Finding a Cure

Have i told you i'm pregnant?


Or, i WAS pregnant?

Well, i've lost the baby anyway. At 6 week. Well, not really 6 week, but in the borderline between 5 and 6. Maybe in the middle of forming its heartbeat. Its really nothing to be crying about. But, seriously when i saw others being pregnant. Especially famous people on youtube like bubz. She's a few months ahead of me. But she revealed the news about her pregnancy the same time as i found out i was pregnant.

So now when i watch her vlog, especially an update on her pregnancy, theres something sad inside of me. Keep rising, begging for attention. I feel unable. And i thought, why? Others are also pregnant with thier first child. But they can do it effortlessly. Why i could not?

Main reason must be DEPRESSION.

There are just too much depressions. From previous relationship. Who keep nagging and make me feel guilty. Made me cried and went into terrible meltdown. Emotionally, i was very unstable. Even now i still am.

Husband who live away from me. His career needs him to be away from me for months. I cried myself to sleep thinking of how empty my life is. No husband beside of me and trapped in my parents house. Its really not a bad thing living with my parents. But its in my head. Everything is really in my head. In the end, its really just me who can find answer and convince myself that everything is okay. Not my husband or anyone. Its really just me. I need to find cure. But for now, it seems like i want to enjoy the sorrow.

My husband. Theres really nothing he can do about this. Even if he comes home early, rationally. Its a stupid idea, dumb decision. I dont want him to come back. The reason i messed with his head is just for his attention. Want him to worry about me. I like it when he's worried? Not really. You like it when he becomes crazy and tell me he's coming home tomorrow? Definitely not.

Facts

i thought he'll come here equipped.

1. marry me
2. ready to be idle for a few months
3. live in a rented house for a few months
4. look for job
5. got a new job
6. start a life here

most crucial thing. i thought:

• he had at least 130,000 ringgit with him. my biggest mistake.

never i expected

• we'll live with my parents
• he's not interested to find jobs
• penniless after marrying me
• will leave me for almost half a year. thats a semester in university
• he's not a virgin
• he went to prostitutes

what kind of men go to prostitutes??

i'm a stupid girl for him

my fault for making wrong decision

• i should stay away from him
• he should be ignored

Lonely

since i married him, i was happy. need to admit the positive side it gave me. marriage was amazing.

but living away from ech other. distance. its killing me. it doesnt suit me at all. im not build to be in this kind of relationship. it wont work for me. im an attention machine. i need lots of attention. at least to be together. in front of me. to be touched. to be seen. lots of chance of communication. yes. i need communication. im a communication machine. i can even understand things without the need for it to be spoken.

now we're thousand of miles away. and all i can think about is misery. how sad my life has become. thought marriage will change my fate. to be better. to be happier. but i'll be living in misery. ive made a wrong decision to marry a seaman.

its killing me from inside. not only ive lost myself. lost my identity. i lost my happiness. i live in misery. always wake up to sadness. loneliness. i cried myself to sleep every night. battling with my own feelings. weighing the good and the bad on my hands. judging. criticizing. evaluating. my brain cant stop working.

and i must admit, i can never come out with good. always with the bad. i see the bad in everything. this is very challenging. this it too much for me to handle. others might have the strength to handle it. but i cant. i just CAN'T.

how am i supposed to get out of this. should i start an affair to fill up this empty space in my heart.