Kimi

My childhood relative he is our second cousin. He is 10-12 years younger than me. I watched him growing up. In my head he is still that clueless little child under the protection of my grandparents. I left home when he was still at primary. So in my memory he is always wearing that school uniform. Looking away with a shy smile when our gazes locked. Last week he came to me asking for a job. I gave him the job. But i was not serious about it. I looked down on how serious he is about the job.

Sometimes there's job for him sometimes there's none. yesterday he came and i gave him rm70. Later that day i found that he went to mydin with his mother, shopping with the money i gave him. This event touched my heart like nothing else ever. How big is the meaning of rm70 for some people who has none. And how big is this motivation for him.

he came here with his bicycle asking for a job! that was so shocking! but today he wanted to hang himself. fighting over something with his mother. i somehow felt that it must be related to me. i promised to give him somthing yesterday but the pin ahsnt arrived so i didnt call. i shouldve just called and gave him somthing else instead. i always haeve it in my head but ithout action. 

20/3/2022

first time came to see me

rm50

rm30

rm100

rm70

i need to work harder so i could help him. he need to buy a phone. i saw he has plan with the garden. he bought a lorry of soil but the one that arrived is sand. anyway.. they have nothing else but that plot of land to work on. i will teach him how to open a shopee account and help him sell. one day he'll stand up on his own feet and he will sell lots of plants.

Can’t Sleep

My husband is in his home country. I’ve been relying on my sister to drive my son to school. We both fell asleep early tonight cause we want to wake up early tomorrow. He’s having a photoshoot session tomorrow. But at 12 she called saying that she just finished movie in a city 3 hours away from home. So she’s asking if it’s okay to skip school tomorrow. I would definitely say it’s okay. But now i am so full of guilt. What kind of a mother am i who can’t even drive her son to school???

My Best Friend

 Just realised that my one and true friend since childhood is not a human. But writing. I’ve always been writing. But since i knew d i stopped. I wish i would go back to writing but i know i won’t. I put too much trust in writing and my secrets spilled out like water.

How i hate my husband. I wish I’d always remember how he hates here and i wish i could easily move on and forget him. He’s so useless and stupid. He’s the source of all the problems. I’m right now at the state where I’m suspecting to be pregnant. If i am really, I’m at 3 weeks now.

Everything that comes out of his mouth pierces like knife. Today s topic: what makes you happy? I was expecting a house or a peaceful life. But instead- i  wish  i live in an environment where the people don’t make fun of you. Humiliate you. Well this is Kelantan. This is where you wanna be the first place. You sent us here!

Even if we were in penang you’d say I ruined your life. Motherfucker!

Remember

Reason why i don’t like to write anymore is my brain  has found a new way of coping with issues and troubles. I shut them up and pretend it never happened. 

So many things happened these few days. I went to kl. He handled my business. he suddenly felt like he had better idea on how to handle things. He wanted to change i manage and organise. So he decided he’d build a new rack.

Interstate travel is allowed. We went to waterfall. He drowned and all men laughed at him. This one triggered the worst episode of anxiety and depression in him.

He bought pallets to build rack. When he was hitting the hammer to remove the nails, he fought with this old woman, pakhims wife. I interfered. Big fight started. I didn’t talk to him for days. He expected me to accept everything he did. Though he did something wrong.

We made up. But today we went to beach. Both abe came along. One alza over take from the left side. M wanted to turn left, but didn’t see the alza. So the alza was really in shock and really angry. It wasn’t really his fault cause we wanted to exit but we drive on the right lane. He shouted at us. Then this event  like brought  him to another dimension. He’s unhappy and not talking. We went to beach and he’s still sulking. 

I asked my sister to come and join us cause i know it’ll be very dull with him. 

You have no idea how much i hate him. I wish i could hurt him and beat the shit out of him. He is so fucking annoying. He’s thinking i shouldn’t question his decision. I have thousands of words but i choose to swallow them up cause if i triggered him, he’ll explode and give hell to all of us. I want myself to always remember this.

Next month when he left for iran, please ignore him and please remember of all the trouble and shame he has brought to us. Life is better without him. I should drive the car cause it’s only the driving i can’t do. If i drive, everything will be fine. Sis thank 

Evil Man

I was video calling  my family on  the phone while my evil genius niece and my son playing. The niece love to grab things from my son’s hand cause she think people always win her. I was pointing the camera on her. Suddenly my husband grab the toy away from her. The call went silent and suddenly my mother start talking about something else. They noticed it and i felt really bad.

I hung up. Then fight started. It all started when i showed him a video of my niece sneakily hurt my son. I love my son with all my heart but I’m not like him. So full of rage and so out of control. This little girl is only 4 but she’s very talented to be a pick pocket / bigger criminal .

Anyway there’s nothing i can do about that. I can’t change her. The only thing i can do around her is to be smart. Just as smart as her. Not against her or anything cause she’s very good at telling people everything you did to her.

While this stupid old man last night i spoke to him for about an hour. The whole talk is so negative! I felt so very exhausted. My blood pressure really went up cause everything that he said i have to swallow up and not answering back.

He’s an asshole and i have come to a conclusion where i shouldn’t or should never have any conversation with him cause i gain nothing from it. Not any information, not any knowledge. Just headache and more problems.

Proof My Mother Hates My Son

 Today, A was playing with phone. Then R take candy. My mother said, don’t go to him. Don’t bother him. You’ll fight. Don’t go to him. Go to your auntie.

My Mother hates A

When my mother is there with them, R and A always fight. Cause it’s obvious the way she chooses side. She’d always chose her side and save her. ALWAYS

A is awkward with her. I will save my son. I will take him out one day.