Daddy Help

29 nov 2017

2 years 2 months old

It’s 12 o’clock. It was cold outside. It’s late for him to mandi. So I forced him to wash his butt and brush his teeth. He was struggling really hard and the more I forced him.

He said daddy help. Very clearly no mumbling. Daddy help. Many times. I felt very guilty.

I’m really sorry baby.

My Parents

They were married on a rainy day. It was so heavy and there was nothing so special about it. I never heard them talking about it. It’s like they wanna hide it or it’s just like a not a grand memory for them. Kinda like embarrassment i think. 

Different than my grandparents wedding. My grandmother always told us about the story of her wedding. How they looked for the fabric for her wedding. And how people carried her on a carriage on the back of a buffalo. I could really imagine how it was like that day. So grand and beautiful on a warm sunny day.

My mother is soft and kind. But full of jealousy. She’s a creative person but she’s very messy. She’s good with geography. She’s very proud of her stpm and she always brought it up. She’s the bread winner of my family. Responsible for everything. From the cents earned to the food on the table, literally. She does everything! She’s super excellent at multitasking. Her organisation skill is really zero. And she’s really bad at interior designing. But she’s very rajin and she can do almost anything, except for driving. Or office job. Yeah.

My father is lazy and he’s really good at nothing. He’s not creative. But more of a perfectionist in his own standard. He’s naive and though he’s hot tempered he’s actually soft and a coward inside. He’s afraid of many things and there’s nothing much he can face in life. Everything brings too much headache to him. It’ll lead him into depression. Well,maybe the only thing he’s good at is talking. But not a skillful or useful kinda talking. Just talk and talk without points and rambling about his opinions . Not an academic level kinda talk, you know.

My First Love

1) Introduce yourself

- My name is ... I’m the eldest daughter in the family. I’m 30, married and have a son.

2) Your first love 

- Well first time i fell in love was when i was still very small. Around 4-5 years old. I fell in love with a boy in my village. He was 6 years old when he molested me. I was 3. I told the story and chronology of the event to everyone (i was only 3!) Surprisingly, adults aren’t protective of me. They made fun of me. And think that was funny. They said since he kissed and did that to you, that makes him your boyfriend then. And so I’ve been told this soooo many times that I finally grew a feeling towards this boy. You know, you had this butterflies in your stomach when you saw him. You want him to talk to you. Give you some attention. But boy that never happened. He was too shy and very nervous i guess to be close to me again. What did he become today? He’s a severe drug addict. I heard he carries HIV. He’s dying and his life is a total mess.

- The real first love that happened in my teenage life was luqman. He’s also one of the boys in my village. Son of a pious man. He himself is uneducated. Didn’t attend school. We talked a lot on the phone. Met a few times. Then that’s that. Love just faded away.

Places to Visit

I should never use my toddler as an excuse not to travel. I have places i want to visit and stopping myself from going there because of him is really lame.

Island
How i miss swimming with fish. The salty scorching air. The smell of the sea. Staying in a raft house. That is my dream.

1. Pulau Redang
2. Langkawi
3. Pulau Tioman

Ancient Sites
The only problem is with dragging baby along. He'll get bored. Then, the problem with hubby's visa.

1. Angkor Wat
2. Taj Mahal
3. Great Wall of China

Lavender Farm
I can do it in my husband's country. One day i'll do it.


Africa 
A tour around Africa. This is a must. I'll let my hair free and be very carefree exploring the ancient continent. Can't wait for it. I'll force my hubby to drag me along.

Tanzania, Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia and Kenya


Peninsular Malaysia
All states. One night at a time.

20.2.2017 Monday 3.16 am

The weather outside is hot i guess. Because inside this room it's quite steamy.

Today we went to Thailand with my sisters. Was super gassy in the car. Went to pasar malam and didnt buy much. But ended up buying kerabu sotong and a few boneless ayam goreng. Alex ended up eating only grapes for dinner.

I did not cook anymore when i'm home. I didnt do any chores anymore apart from cleaning up my room. I have no dream of creating anything. My life is super not productive at home. Only great at gaining weight. I lost the track of time. And my life is a messy blob.

Current entertainment for me would be the movies on fmovies.se. So far i've watched Passenger, Moana, Sold and Lion. They're all nice movies. I dont have any favourite song at the moment. I am not actively reading anything now. But i always have a dream to finish reading Pride and Prejudice. Just found out that it's not that complicated to understand.

Relationship with people around me are not good. Not good at all especially with my parents. I am a very useless person. My mood is very bad after i failed the test with jpj. I am constantly angry, feeling stupid, awkward, shameful and ugly. All i could think about is just having another life. A life where i could be myself. Free and independent like how i've always been.

Last night was spent watching Lion. Had trouble to fall asleep just like tonight.

Highlight of yesterday would be visiting Pattani.

One thing i'm thankful for is definitely my son. He is everything.

My fear would be my own character. This evening i asked for direction from a woman on the roadside. I was the one asking but she looked away from me, refused to make eye contact and just keep talking to my sisters at the driver seat and the one at the back. I'm sure the problem is not with her but with myself. Why she didn't like to make eye contact with me? I felt very useless and unattractive. I know i must do something to fix this but i just dont know how.