Who would have thought that one day, I'll have a son and still living with my parents.
Maybe one day in future I would say, who would've thought one day I'd been divorced and stay in kampung. Without money. My son speaks malay. But call me mummy like a high class person. His race is Turkish. At school people laugh at him for being different. For having no father to look after him.
15/4/2016
Baby first upper tooth appeared. On the right side. He keeps grinding it.
This feelings i feel only I can feel. Only i know and cannot be described. It only comes only when I'm alone. Can't be shared. Can't be expressed. Can't be explained.
Fear
Of leaving home. Me and Alex both felt like we belong to this house. To this family. To this way of life. He grew up here. I'm afraid to make a change for him. What if he doesn't like it? What if he get homesick?
I lost that feeling to have a home for my son. I lost that feeling of wanting to live in a home that runs by me.
Being with you means
I signed up for an uncertainty.
I will constantly live in fear of being left.
To face loneliness.
Life without future.
Unpredictable.
Everything I do, i do it for him. Every decisions I make, i think about him.
Sometimes I'm tired of all this. I wish I could fix everything by sending you away. At least one human is saved. You'll be happy without us. Even through difficulties, we can't entertain you. We're still not enough to make you forget about the pain.
Tonight, we had hot cocoa by the fire in our backyard patio. The crisp warm summer air made it a thousand more beautiful.
We sat on the chair lined with blanket. My other half invited me onto his laps. We cuddled and talked about the garden. How I wanted him to arrange the bokchoy into positions. Wouldn't it be nice if we had patches of it along our path ways?
Dim light shines through from the inside of our home. I glanced at it once in awhile to check on Alex's sound. My baby is fast asleep.
Can communicate by saying uppah. Means up in kelantanese.
When he sees someone walk by he'd say pah pah pah.
Words he could intentionally pronounce:
- Uppah
- Abe
- Kipah
He started saying bababa. I think around 6 months and 2 weeks.
He could sit without support. But always fall over.
I'll have a lot of money to spend.
People will admire me.
People will respect me.
I don't have to face those faces i hate.
I don't have to put up with shits i don't like.
I'll have control over things in my life.
I deserve a quiet simple life. Where my husband provides for our family while i stay home taking care of my kids.
A husband that is strong with determination. Protective towards us. Emotionally stable and can stand anything that comes his way.
I'll stay home. Decorating the home. Drink coffee under the blanket. Being cozy while reading books.
